#245 - September

Arjuna and Krishna

Yesterday's Nice Thing: Doing the blackboard drawing then just lying with Ghin on the sofa to watch TV and have one lazy day before the madness of term kicks in... oh yes - and reminding myself about Manu and the Rishis. ALSO Ghin and I went to the Asian market. And I promised myself I would never EVER go to MacDonalds again. Literally the WORST coffee in the world.

If there was one class I was meant to teach it was Class 5. Class 5 is where I am at. Where every teacher is at really.

Yesterday as I drew Vishnu as Matsya, I contemplated this particular God and how he was always androgynous. Even in the form of the fish, which harkens back to Lemurian times, he looks female. Benevolent and sinuous, the embodiment of a promise. I have never had a connection with any Hindu god apart from Shiva, but this year, I felt a beginning connection with Vishnu. He always seemed too good to me, too much of the perfect prince. Whereas Shiva with his no nonsense nature, his forthright honesty, his connection to the despised and the poor and the shunned, his love of snakes and all things which move in the graveyard - I loved him. I loved him completely.

But this year, after reading the Mahabratha especially, I felt this connection to him. I think it was because he was humanised. There was this intellectual side to him which was interesting.

Who ARE the gods? It is impossible not to ask this question when we do this year. ALL and I mean ALL human cultures through time have always had gods. We do too but we call it science. It serves the same purpose. We may feel like we are more in charge, but really if you go to a place like Singapore and see the churches spilling out even on weekdays you see that we aren't really. The gods are always supernaturally powerful. Even Jesus couldn't escape that. They are like humans - they have personalities and are not perfect. They fall in love, they lose their tempers, they cheat on each other, they play tricks, they are always making new things, they love travelling. They take care of things, they destroy things. They constantly need to be placated. They love beauty. They are the best and the worst of us. They are used to explain how things are and how they will be. They fill in the gaps - quite adequately actually.

They are our connection to each other.

Well, I understand what needs to be done today. It has been a wonderful holiday. We have had an amazing run. Between Singapore and here - even here - we have had a good beginning to the year. I don't know what it will bring, but we shall see.

I have no idea what the future holds for me, beyond the school and forest school. I don't know for instance, what I should do regarding the state of the world. I know this sounds weird but it is a bit important. I feel a bit like an unmoored boat. I mean I know, but I don't really KNOW. I have always been compelled one way or another. I think it is also because the boys are growing up and they are moving out of a safe space. A space in which there are so many unknowns.

So I need to think about this a bit. I think the problem for so many parents is learning what is the precise point one should let go. To stop interfering or, as they see it, 'helping'. Some help is really useful, but some help can be very confounding. I also think that I HAVE been waiting for 1 September to fully incarnate - i.e. stop pissing about. I have a structure and I'm just going to have to follow that. And trust the structure. And know that the structure will lead me to the right place. Know that the structure will help me get to wherever it is I am meant to be. And that is as much as I can do. In a way, this picture is perfect. It is of Krishna the Charioteer, I just have to trust the Charioteer. And that is structure at the moment.