#266 - Simulations

A Blue Tit

Yesterday... made steak pie from scratch. Well I bought the puff pastry and worried the steak pieces would be too rich for the boys. No, they loved it, especially Oisin. He ate half of the pie. Ghin had 1/3 of it. I ate one slice. I had already eaten in Ardmore. Today I'll post letters and things. I also need to hoover Ma's house. It is amazing how dusty a house can get even if no one lives in it. 

So strange how things are passing. I was watching a short documentary on the Matrix and Baudrillard, and then yesterday I picked up a 5 Euro note. How strange they seemed, like a time in my life when everything was so innocent. When it was possible for there to be ideals. Possible for us to dare to dream of a better world instead of trying to make do with the broken one we have now. Piecing it together again and making compromises which you don't even realise exist. I think, they broke us - they won, they did win. But it is a Phyrric victory. In the process of trying to break us and prove themselves right, they also completely destroyed everything in the process. 

Now our children can only retreat into fantasy, that is all they have now. I see it. Even between children I taught seven years ago and children now. How impoverished these children are. They no longer have the imaginations of the children in the past. Everything is a reference to something else. It frightens me. It is like these children now need First Aid, rather than education. They need healing for this world.

The idea of something being destroyed in order to make something new is not new. It is as old as the stories we tell ourselves. In every culture. The world is always being made anew. Possibly this is to help us cope with the horrors of The End. Always, always we are in grief.

I was watching Alan Watts yesterday. He was talking about God, how God is not just Light, she is also Dark and how the Dark has always been regarded as bad, or made invisible. The necessary scapegoat. Without Dark there could be no Light. He said that the Christian heaven is just as bad as the Christian idea of hell. They are both equally terrifying. The tension between Order and Chaos.

The Happy Medium.

After writing every day, more than every day for the past year... after doing this... all I know is that I want to write. I woke up late today - 4.45 and watched the Matrix video about Baudrillard. That took me to 5.15. Then I came down, cuddled the cat and started this writing...

I only managed to hustle myself down by telling myself that the angels were waiting for me and if I didn't show up it would be such a shame having set this up painstakingly over the past few weeks.

I have run everyday now for the past three weeks, bar two days. Running is now just part of my life. It would be easier to run than to not run. I stretch everyday now, my legs. My legs are getting stronger. I no longer have the aches and pains I used to have. I can now get up from prolonged times of sitting without feeling pain. I have cooked two new dishes in the past week - ice cream and steak pie.  I am alive, I am alive.

Yesterday I said to myself as I came over the Craigantlet Hills, I feel so incredibly happy, then I thought, no, find the medium...

I really must get up at 4 am. I've realised how important it is for me to have that time in the morning for contemplation.