#75
After having spent the past week slowly getting better, and by that I mean feeling halfway normal, I had a backslide into the exhaustion and mood swing yesterday. The mood swing I can now deal with. Hunker down and then with several heavy blankets wrapped around you - metaphorical of course - you just keep walking into the snowstorm. The exhaustion is much harder. And I have never felt exhaustion like this before. Possibly because I tend to do too much anyway - so when I don't do an awful lot it feels like I am particularly useless. But when I look back at my life I wonder how the fuck did I have so much energy?
I think I am going to need to pace myself. This is what my body is telling me. You are not lazy, you just need to take it easy. You can't keep forcing this open. You will break yourself.
Does this mean I admit defeat? Not at all, I just rearrange the pieces so that it works with me, instead of works against me.
Sometimes it does feel like the whole world works against me, I have to say. But I also know that is mostly my current poor sense of who I am right now and how I am feeling.
Just part of the bad mood. I get it.
I am now at the stage in my life where I am, what is the point of emotions? Not in a jaded pissed off way though. Kind of like a weird, out of body experience way. I feel crap, but that is turned inward. I am not shouting at people or getting very angry with people - my menopausing has turned me inward which has paradoxically meant that I am not losing it with the world. If I feel anything it would be feeling despondent. But that is not really my big problem.
Interestingly, there are other people who are feeling not very hopeful of our future. There is this group of people who are in an organisation called Birth Strike who have decided not to have children because it will contribute to overpopulation. This is probably a good thing because it is people in this part of the world which have the largest consumption footprint. The plus side is that these non-children will never have to deal with the catastrophe and fallout of the decisions made by my generation of people. It is safe to say that those who of my generation and older are mostly still feeding off the thinking that more is better, GDP is the best way to measure economic progress which is the only progress which should exist. They are the ones with the Rich Kids of Instagram and their embarrassing, tacky lives - the ones who think that showing off status destinations is still a good thing. That having material goods which cost lots of money is still some sort of ideation validation.
This is so last year now. Well, if it isn't so last year by choice, it will soon be by reality. When I see people doing this, I think, well here are people who are still travelling on that arc. They can be impressed by it - impressed by themselves... but actually nothing is going to last forever...
I was doing the carvings on Mayan temples and the symbols on these temples. I was explaining what these symbols were and the wisdom of the ages - the philosophy, and the physics, was breathtaking. The children were also utterly captivated.
Where physics and philosophy entwine, there is beauty.
I have to say that I was happy I did go to school yesterday. Going to school made me perk up a whole lot. I felt a lot better when the day ended. Also my bloating is going down so I think that the period is almost over. At least if it does happen again, I'll know what to do.
I hope this is my last period. That it is now the end of it all. Thank you my constant friend who nourished my womb, my children, who made me a woman, who made me bleed. Who gave me so many days of thought and blood. Thank you for being here for the best part of my life. I feel such great sorrow at your passing, but I am now ready for my next stage. I did ask for a final goodbye - a hurrah - a final hurrah, and by god did you provide it. It is time for us to part ways now. For you to disappear into my past. I loved you. Heidi was right it is hard letting go. Having my period meant that I was gaining something - now having my period go, I can't but help feeling like I am losing something. Stepping into another phase in my life where I am no longer defined by my womb. Not in this way anyways, and that is hard. All that potential taken from me - as it should be. There is another potential now, but it is also a really honest marker that I am now entering, beginning, the final stage of my life. Wow, that is huge and heavy and big - and very few of our mothers and grandmothers did this - or when they did it, they did this silently and alone and without fuss. They just bowed their heads and accepted it with grace - from mother to crone.
Thank you my period - thank you - I am now ready to let you go. Farewell. Roaring her way out, like Sekhmet, drinking the blood of men, till falling asleep drunk, she is transformed into Hathor. That was your secret name and I never even knew it till now - thank you for revealing it to me. Right at the very end.
I think I am going to need to pace myself. This is what my body is telling me. You are not lazy, you just need to take it easy. You can't keep forcing this open. You will break yourself.
Does this mean I admit defeat? Not at all, I just rearrange the pieces so that it works with me, instead of works against me.
Sometimes it does feel like the whole world works against me, I have to say. But I also know that is mostly my current poor sense of who I am right now and how I am feeling.
Just part of the bad mood. I get it.
I am now at the stage in my life where I am, what is the point of emotions? Not in a jaded pissed off way though. Kind of like a weird, out of body experience way. I feel crap, but that is turned inward. I am not shouting at people or getting very angry with people - my menopausing has turned me inward which has paradoxically meant that I am not losing it with the world. If I feel anything it would be feeling despondent. But that is not really my big problem.
Interestingly, there are other people who are feeling not very hopeful of our future. There is this group of people who are in an organisation called Birth Strike who have decided not to have children because it will contribute to overpopulation. This is probably a good thing because it is people in this part of the world which have the largest consumption footprint. The plus side is that these non-children will never have to deal with the catastrophe and fallout of the decisions made by my generation of people. It is safe to say that those who of my generation and older are mostly still feeding off the thinking that more is better, GDP is the best way to measure economic progress which is the only progress which should exist. They are the ones with the Rich Kids of Instagram and their embarrassing, tacky lives - the ones who think that showing off status destinations is still a good thing. That having material goods which cost lots of money is still some sort of ideation validation.
This is so last year now. Well, if it isn't so last year by choice, it will soon be by reality. When I see people doing this, I think, well here are people who are still travelling on that arc. They can be impressed by it - impressed by themselves... but actually nothing is going to last forever...
I was doing the carvings on Mayan temples and the symbols on these temples. I was explaining what these symbols were and the wisdom of the ages - the philosophy, and the physics, was breathtaking. The children were also utterly captivated.
Where physics and philosophy entwine, there is beauty.
I have to say that I was happy I did go to school yesterday. Going to school made me perk up a whole lot. I felt a lot better when the day ended. Also my bloating is going down so I think that the period is almost over. At least if it does happen again, I'll know what to do.
I hope this is my last period. That it is now the end of it all. Thank you my constant friend who nourished my womb, my children, who made me a woman, who made me bleed. Who gave me so many days of thought and blood. Thank you for being here for the best part of my life. I feel such great sorrow at your passing, but I am now ready for my next stage. I did ask for a final goodbye - a hurrah - a final hurrah, and by god did you provide it. It is time for us to part ways now. For you to disappear into my past. I loved you. Heidi was right it is hard letting go. Having my period meant that I was gaining something - now having my period go, I can't but help feeling like I am losing something. Stepping into another phase in my life where I am no longer defined by my womb. Not in this way anyways, and that is hard. All that potential taken from me - as it should be. There is another potential now, but it is also a really honest marker that I am now entering, beginning, the final stage of my life. Wow, that is huge and heavy and big - and very few of our mothers and grandmothers did this - or when they did it, they did this silently and alone and without fuss. They just bowed their heads and accepted it with grace - from mother to crone.
Thank you my period - thank you - I am now ready to let you go. Farewell. Roaring her way out, like Sekhmet, drinking the blood of men, till falling asleep drunk, she is transformed into Hathor. That was your secret name and I never even knew it till now - thank you for revealing it to me. Right at the very end.
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