#62
Yesterday's Nice Thing: When I was doing sit ups in Belvoir Par, these blue tits flew over to see me.
And so, yesterday, after my run, and with the help of more reading from Steiner, I have began to piece the understandings I have begun to have about this new phase of my life.
The journey has been less violent, but no less radical and no less traumatic than the one I took seven years ago. Where I stood in the forefront of my 40s, I am now in the forefront of my 50s. My body is menopausing - I am in perimenopause and once again I find, I am left to go it alone. I was the part of the third wave of feminism, where we could be feminine and still be feminist (too be honest, when I was in my late teens and 20a, feminism was still a dirty word), and now, when I look around, women of my age are now redefining menopause and midlife. The medical profession still want us to me drugged, the media want us to be forever young - although we are now fighting back with accepting out whites and wrinkles -, there is still this compulsion to think of ourselves as sexual beings, although to be honest, if you haven't been a sexual being for all of your life, it is a bit late to start now and also to also be honest, I don't see the point any longer - I have thoroughly enjoyed that bit of my life and it doesn't haunt me, and the huge question of what are we going to do now with the rest of our lives?
Somehow though, these questions, though important, were small potatoes compared to the very large question indeed - the ennui and malaise I have felt over the past few months. This was compounded by the state of the world. But I have seeking and asking in sincerity and honesty, and at a complete loss, to the point I was developing a slight depression, and I did wonder, am I supposed to continue like this for the rest of my life, feeling hopeless and possibly even bitter?
Then I started to read Steiner again - I picked up the book on the etheric Christ and The Incarnation of Ahriman. Yesterday, I realised a few things which sat well with me and gave me real comfort - it made perfect sense, even it if doesn't make sense to the world.
1. In the past, I have worked from my own willforce. This can no longer work - not on my own.
2. I only discovered this when I understood the etheric Christ. Working with the etheric Christ bouys me up.
3. Through Michael, with the assistance of my angel, I work with the etheric Christ to balance the forces of Ahriman and Lucifer.
4. We do not shy away from them, but engage them - work with them to create a rich future for the human being.
Now this part I don't understand - Steiner says planet Earth is doomed. The Earth is dying, he says. I wonder what we are supposed to make of that? It is SUPPOSED to die. So do these conservation movements, are they pointless? Well they appear to be pointless.
But this has given me no end of comfort. So I have decided to wake each morning and ask the angel and Michael for help to work with the Christ Being, and to go to sleep each night doing the same. As we enter the period of Lent, this is really good timing.
The other thing as well has been, dear god, I did not realise how I had abandoned myself - for the first time yesterday, after the run, I felt entirely like myself once again - but not entirely myself either - I recognised the source and strength was not coming from inside myself, but from without. I was drawing strength from the world around me by letting myself becoming humble and letting everything enter - I no longer felt annoyed or pissed off - I was entirely at peace. And as if to confirm my metamorphosis a flock of tits landed on the branches above my head to peer at me curiously. I felt very blessed. It was as if the universe gave me a sign - you are on the right track.
Thank you universe, as usual, the answers are always provided.
And so, yesterday, after my run, and with the help of more reading from Steiner, I have began to piece the understandings I have begun to have about this new phase of my life.
The journey has been less violent, but no less radical and no less traumatic than the one I took seven years ago. Where I stood in the forefront of my 40s, I am now in the forefront of my 50s. My body is menopausing - I am in perimenopause and once again I find, I am left to go it alone. I was the part of the third wave of feminism, where we could be feminine and still be feminist (too be honest, when I was in my late teens and 20a, feminism was still a dirty word), and now, when I look around, women of my age are now redefining menopause and midlife. The medical profession still want us to me drugged, the media want us to be forever young - although we are now fighting back with accepting out whites and wrinkles -, there is still this compulsion to think of ourselves as sexual beings, although to be honest, if you haven't been a sexual being for all of your life, it is a bit late to start now and also to also be honest, I don't see the point any longer - I have thoroughly enjoyed that bit of my life and it doesn't haunt me, and the huge question of what are we going to do now with the rest of our lives?
Somehow though, these questions, though important, were small potatoes compared to the very large question indeed - the ennui and malaise I have felt over the past few months. This was compounded by the state of the world. But I have seeking and asking in sincerity and honesty, and at a complete loss, to the point I was developing a slight depression, and I did wonder, am I supposed to continue like this for the rest of my life, feeling hopeless and possibly even bitter?
Then I started to read Steiner again - I picked up the book on the etheric Christ and The Incarnation of Ahriman. Yesterday, I realised a few things which sat well with me and gave me real comfort - it made perfect sense, even it if doesn't make sense to the world.
1. In the past, I have worked from my own willforce. This can no longer work - not on my own.
2. I only discovered this when I understood the etheric Christ. Working with the etheric Christ bouys me up.
3. Through Michael, with the assistance of my angel, I work with the etheric Christ to balance the forces of Ahriman and Lucifer.
4. We do not shy away from them, but engage them - work with them to create a rich future for the human being.
Now this part I don't understand - Steiner says planet Earth is doomed. The Earth is dying, he says. I wonder what we are supposed to make of that? It is SUPPOSED to die. So do these conservation movements, are they pointless? Well they appear to be pointless.
But this has given me no end of comfort. So I have decided to wake each morning and ask the angel and Michael for help to work with the Christ Being, and to go to sleep each night doing the same. As we enter the period of Lent, this is really good timing.
The other thing as well has been, dear god, I did not realise how I had abandoned myself - for the first time yesterday, after the run, I felt entirely like myself once again - but not entirely myself either - I recognised the source and strength was not coming from inside myself, but from without. I was drawing strength from the world around me by letting myself becoming humble and letting everything enter - I no longer felt annoyed or pissed off - I was entirely at peace. And as if to confirm my metamorphosis a flock of tits landed on the branches above my head to peer at me curiously. I felt very blessed. It was as if the universe gave me a sign - you are on the right track.
Thank you universe, as usual, the answers are always provided.
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