#72
Yesterday's Nice Things:
1. Oisin saying I love you Mom when he came downstairs and coming over to hug me
2. Ghin cuddling up to me on the sofa
3. Finally getting my mojo back
4. Doing ALL six loads of laundry and folding two loads of it
5. Meeting Kevin and talking about soapmaking
and
6. Having and amazing dream this morning, just before I got up which took me all the way to 2.30 am
I am running in a forest. Even though I do not remember it, it is also not the first time I have run here. It must be autumn because the trunks of the trees are wet and black - they are leafless and architectural. Each branch and twig is an etching against the morning sky. The sky itself, the air is filled with a low golden light - it must be eight in the morning. Leaves which have fallen reflect the skies and the light to gild every surface. It feels like I am running in heaven. I remember having left my house. The house is a massive bungalow, the kind they used to have in Singapore, from the 70s. The floors are made of white marble with swirls of grey through it, as if clouds have been frozen in there. The steps are made of heavy teak planks, lacquered to a deep, shining brown. The walls are made of glass so that you can slide them back and the entire house is filled with a breeze which makes air conditioning unnecessary. It is bright but cool inside. It is a masterpiece of 70s architecture. Convection and housing made concrete.
As I run, I see a hill. Again, even though I have never seen this hill, I recognise it from another dream. I decide to run up it, and as I run up, it gets steeper and steeper. I realise that apartments have been cut into it. They have been built into the hill and because it is too hard, I stop running. I look at the houses and I see two women standing outside one of them - with two children. They are all Indian. But not Indian Indian - they are Singaporean Indian. They are very nice. They invite me in to look at their home and again, it is one of those massive well-designed codominiums from Singapore back in the 70s. Parquet flooring, huge rooms with whitewashed walls, sliding doors which mean that you can create a massive space - it looks out to a beautiful garden. I form and instant rapport with the women and I leave my phone number. I say, please call me. And I give them a hug.
That dream tells me I am in a good place. And I am in a good place. I cleaned the bathroom yesterday. I told Oisin, of all the stupid things which throw my back out, it is cleaning the bathroom. My back has never been the same since I had the boys - made worse by Ghin - but I can do most things, except clean the bathtub. Leaning and bending over makes me very sore indeed.
I cooked chok yesterday. I had it with just about everything you could think about. Chilli oil, bamboo shoots and preserved tofu, preserved olives, chicken, pe tan, a raw egg. Toasted sesame oil. Chioching. Ginger. Chang. Chok is the perfect food. You always eat the right amount of it and you can eat it with just about anything. You can eat it in the summer and you can eat it in the winter. It is so stupidly easy to make. Everything tastes good in it. You can boil it with chicken. pork - you can boil it on its own. You can add anything to it and it'll taste fine. In fact it will be delicious. It is easy on the stomach. You can eat it when you are sick - I often did. Or you can eat it when you are very hungry. Honestly, you could not find a more perfect healthy food. It is the ultimate in the evolution of cuisine. All this nonsense about Michelin stars and cooking too much - chok is cuisine which has evolved so highly that it has come out on the other side of divine. It is cheap. Poor people can eat it and rich people can also eat it. It is best with preserved veg and meat. We are so, so lucky really that the Chinese discovered that the simple things are the best things.
When I hear the ang mos go into paroxysms about food, I think, but you all don't know chok and until you have evolved to have chok, the I don't think I am going to take anything you say seriously. Why eat anything else? It is just like curry - curry is not the only Indian food, but it is the pinnacle of Indian food. Vegetarian cooking is the pinnacle of Indian food - and proper veg cooking as well.
I am really lucky I was born in Singapore - a place where food was our birthright.
Oh yes, I have also started brushing my hair. As in 100 in the morning and 100 in the evening. This was brought on by necessity. I was looking for conditioner and did not find the one I wanted. So I thought, fuck this - and am going to just have to do it the old fashioned way, which is of course the most healthy way. Head down and brush, brush, brush. My Auntie Agnes taught me this. A hogshair brush and brush away from the roots. Stimulate the skull. When i was very small, this was a total pain. Now I understand. It is never too late to start brushing your hair, bearing in mind that you still HAVE hair. I have to also colour my hair. I gave it rest for about a month and a half. Will do it again. It is now very fash to have silver in your hair and so, now with my two tones hair, I am at the height of fashion.
Ironically.
I have also started to make my face masks again. Egg yolk, honey and oil. Slap it on and it is magical really. Running does me wonders. Running yesterday, as slowly as I could manage has made all the difference.
I find it a bit scary that I could have been in such a dark place two weeks ago. Where there was no hope. I must really guard against that. I have so much to be grateful for. I woke up yesterday and I write a prayer to the sun. I told Kevin about my death meditation - imagining I had only a few more hours to live and that I was completely alone - what did I feel? And said, I had an overwhelming sorrow of never seeing the sun again. Of all the things which I would miss the most, that was the first thought that hit me. Never seeing the sun again. And then I realised how many sunrises I had squandered. And I would not do that again. I would not waste another moment again. Not another millisecond in life.
Not even when I am most miserable, which I will doubtless be at some point, because the period hasn't finished with me yet. I promise, I will prop myself up and just go on. I will be a leader to myself.
I did the laundry this morning when I came down. It was only half a load, but that's ok. I don't care if I only ever do half a load everyday - there is actually a setting for that on the machine anyways. The point is that if I do half a load everyday, it means never having to do laundry marathons.
I also cleaned the bin in the bathroom which was bursting. Again, something I must do on a regular basis. These things are so easy to do. What is wrong with me when I can't bring myself to do them? I think because I live with the boys and Peter, who don't ever seem to see the mess, I just think, WTF, why should I do this. Peter does empty the bin in the kitchen, but I have also decided that I am just going to keep a small plastic bag - recycled, not single use, and throw it away when it gets too full. These stupid giant ang mo bins - they would never work in Singapore because by the time the bin is full, the cockroaches and flies would have created a post apocalyptic colony and it would smell like shite. People get rid of their rubbish everyday in Singapore. Bins are collected daily. I remember being so freaked out when I discovered that bins were only collected once a week here. What about the SMELL I asked. Of course, there is no smell. Except in the summer. Then the flies do create a post apocalyptic holocaust.
Well... what will I post from today I wonder? I cannot believe how much better I am feeling. I told Ma that whenever you have your period, your entire body feels just awful. We leak blood... there is nothing more primal than that. The other day the boys were trying to freak each other out by talking about bloodclots. You want to talk about blood clots, I said, well let me tell you about them. Arrrrrrgh!!!! They said, why would you do that? Why tell us that? Because, I said, you were talking about it. Noooooooo!!!!! Well, they started it.
Today all the laundry will be folded... and then... I will clean my car out today. Possibly get it hoovered as well at Sainsburys, after getting seedlings from Camphill.
Life is very very good. Thank you the world. Thank you.
1. Oisin saying I love you Mom when he came downstairs and coming over to hug me
2. Ghin cuddling up to me on the sofa
3. Finally getting my mojo back
4. Doing ALL six loads of laundry and folding two loads of it
5. Meeting Kevin and talking about soapmaking
and
6. Having and amazing dream this morning, just before I got up which took me all the way to 2.30 am
I am running in a forest. Even though I do not remember it, it is also not the first time I have run here. It must be autumn because the trunks of the trees are wet and black - they are leafless and architectural. Each branch and twig is an etching against the morning sky. The sky itself, the air is filled with a low golden light - it must be eight in the morning. Leaves which have fallen reflect the skies and the light to gild every surface. It feels like I am running in heaven. I remember having left my house. The house is a massive bungalow, the kind they used to have in Singapore, from the 70s. The floors are made of white marble with swirls of grey through it, as if clouds have been frozen in there. The steps are made of heavy teak planks, lacquered to a deep, shining brown. The walls are made of glass so that you can slide them back and the entire house is filled with a breeze which makes air conditioning unnecessary. It is bright but cool inside. It is a masterpiece of 70s architecture. Convection and housing made concrete.
As I run, I see a hill. Again, even though I have never seen this hill, I recognise it from another dream. I decide to run up it, and as I run up, it gets steeper and steeper. I realise that apartments have been cut into it. They have been built into the hill and because it is too hard, I stop running. I look at the houses and I see two women standing outside one of them - with two children. They are all Indian. But not Indian Indian - they are Singaporean Indian. They are very nice. They invite me in to look at their home and again, it is one of those massive well-designed codominiums from Singapore back in the 70s. Parquet flooring, huge rooms with whitewashed walls, sliding doors which mean that you can create a massive space - it looks out to a beautiful garden. I form and instant rapport with the women and I leave my phone number. I say, please call me. And I give them a hug.
That dream tells me I am in a good place. And I am in a good place. I cleaned the bathroom yesterday. I told Oisin, of all the stupid things which throw my back out, it is cleaning the bathroom. My back has never been the same since I had the boys - made worse by Ghin - but I can do most things, except clean the bathtub. Leaning and bending over makes me very sore indeed.
I cooked chok yesterday. I had it with just about everything you could think about. Chilli oil, bamboo shoots and preserved tofu, preserved olives, chicken, pe tan, a raw egg. Toasted sesame oil. Chioching. Ginger. Chang. Chok is the perfect food. You always eat the right amount of it and you can eat it with just about anything. You can eat it in the summer and you can eat it in the winter. It is so stupidly easy to make. Everything tastes good in it. You can boil it with chicken. pork - you can boil it on its own. You can add anything to it and it'll taste fine. In fact it will be delicious. It is easy on the stomach. You can eat it when you are sick - I often did. Or you can eat it when you are very hungry. Honestly, you could not find a more perfect healthy food. It is the ultimate in the evolution of cuisine. All this nonsense about Michelin stars and cooking too much - chok is cuisine which has evolved so highly that it has come out on the other side of divine. It is cheap. Poor people can eat it and rich people can also eat it. It is best with preserved veg and meat. We are so, so lucky really that the Chinese discovered that the simple things are the best things.
When I hear the ang mos go into paroxysms about food, I think, but you all don't know chok and until you have evolved to have chok, the I don't think I am going to take anything you say seriously. Why eat anything else? It is just like curry - curry is not the only Indian food, but it is the pinnacle of Indian food. Vegetarian cooking is the pinnacle of Indian food - and proper veg cooking as well.
I am really lucky I was born in Singapore - a place where food was our birthright.
Oh yes, I have also started brushing my hair. As in 100 in the morning and 100 in the evening. This was brought on by necessity. I was looking for conditioner and did not find the one I wanted. So I thought, fuck this - and am going to just have to do it the old fashioned way, which is of course the most healthy way. Head down and brush, brush, brush. My Auntie Agnes taught me this. A hogshair brush and brush away from the roots. Stimulate the skull. When i was very small, this was a total pain. Now I understand. It is never too late to start brushing your hair, bearing in mind that you still HAVE hair. I have to also colour my hair. I gave it rest for about a month and a half. Will do it again. It is now very fash to have silver in your hair and so, now with my two tones hair, I am at the height of fashion.
Ironically.
I have also started to make my face masks again. Egg yolk, honey and oil. Slap it on and it is magical really. Running does me wonders. Running yesterday, as slowly as I could manage has made all the difference.
I find it a bit scary that I could have been in such a dark place two weeks ago. Where there was no hope. I must really guard against that. I have so much to be grateful for. I woke up yesterday and I write a prayer to the sun. I told Kevin about my death meditation - imagining I had only a few more hours to live and that I was completely alone - what did I feel? And said, I had an overwhelming sorrow of never seeing the sun again. Of all the things which I would miss the most, that was the first thought that hit me. Never seeing the sun again. And then I realised how many sunrises I had squandered. And I would not do that again. I would not waste another moment again. Not another millisecond in life.
Not even when I am most miserable, which I will doubtless be at some point, because the period hasn't finished with me yet. I promise, I will prop myself up and just go on. I will be a leader to myself.
I did the laundry this morning when I came down. It was only half a load, but that's ok. I don't care if I only ever do half a load everyday - there is actually a setting for that on the machine anyways. The point is that if I do half a load everyday, it means never having to do laundry marathons.
I also cleaned the bin in the bathroom which was bursting. Again, something I must do on a regular basis. These things are so easy to do. What is wrong with me when I can't bring myself to do them? I think because I live with the boys and Peter, who don't ever seem to see the mess, I just think, WTF, why should I do this. Peter does empty the bin in the kitchen, but I have also decided that I am just going to keep a small plastic bag - recycled, not single use, and throw it away when it gets too full. These stupid giant ang mo bins - they would never work in Singapore because by the time the bin is full, the cockroaches and flies would have created a post apocalyptic colony and it would smell like shite. People get rid of their rubbish everyday in Singapore. Bins are collected daily. I remember being so freaked out when I discovered that bins were only collected once a week here. What about the SMELL I asked. Of course, there is no smell. Except in the summer. Then the flies do create a post apocalyptic holocaust.
Well... what will I post from today I wonder? I cannot believe how much better I am feeling. I told Ma that whenever you have your period, your entire body feels just awful. We leak blood... there is nothing more primal than that. The other day the boys were trying to freak each other out by talking about bloodclots. You want to talk about blood clots, I said, well let me tell you about them. Arrrrrrgh!!!! They said, why would you do that? Why tell us that? Because, I said, you were talking about it. Noooooooo!!!!! Well, they started it.
Today all the laundry will be folded... and then... I will clean my car out today. Possibly get it hoovered as well at Sainsburys, after getting seedlings from Camphill.
Life is very very good. Thank you the world. Thank you.
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