#66
Yesterday's Nice Thing: Just staying home and not doing an awful lot
Truth be told I had a really horrible weekend. I ended up in bed for most of it - well I was reading and researching loads, but yes, it was awful. I ended up having to take loads of paracetemol. I wasn't sure if I was having the flu or the menopause, or abstaining from alcohol - but it was terrible. I went to bed in Friday and stayed in bed all of Saturday and then on Saturday evening in caved in an began taking paracetemol non-stop resulting in feeling better on Sunday. Where I went for the da Vinci exhibition. I did the weekly shop and then I went to bed again.
I have never had a run of so much feeling depressed and useless in my entire life. Even when I was going through my toughest times, I was really active. I chalk it up to the menopause or the flu. Even though everyone whom I have met has also told me they're going through a shit time.
Another weird development is I am craving yogurt. There must be something in the yogurt which my body needs - the calcium, the bacteria? - who knows? It's weird.
To make matters worse, the oil ran out. I have no idea if Peter has ordered more oil. On Saturday I just thought, I can't do this anymore.It is all too much. Sure that's typical me when I'm sick - but I honestly didn't know what the point was anymore.
Today was much better though. Much better.
I have lit a fire in the living room and it is really warm. And I brought down the heater in Peter's room. The entire room is roasting. I think I'll serve dinner here.
Notes on the menopause.
So I did not get my period for four months - almost exactly four months. BUT I did spend the last three weeks almost having a period. Finally, after a week of not really deciding, it arrived on Friday - and again, it was a weird thing. It finally got going on Saturday night. By this stage I had decided to just go with the medication so I felt no pain. But the run up to it - the achy joints and limbs and the misery and melancholia. It was like I had never felt anything like it - it was debilitating. I had to do everything to stop myself.
What is really weird is that despite having had a period for most of my life - since 11 actually - I still feel whenever I have my period that I have never gotten used to it. Well, yes of course I know it, but gotten used to it, never. The pain, the exhaustion, the crazy PMTs which would drive me and everyone else around me nuts - I don't have them anymore though. The thing about them though what that I knew that if I felt this way, the period was three days round the corner. Now with the menopause, there is no way of knowing what is happening. So the no period for three months, and then the intermittent period for three weeks - is that all there is? Surely there's more... the other day I was lying bed feeling bloated for three weeks and just wondering should I go and see the doctor because if that doesn't come out of me will I have septicemia? Of course the way doctors work here is that if you have a problem with the uterus, HRT is the answer. I wonder how training in medical school takes place.
Problem ===> Tool
I wonder which part of their training does the work healing occur? To heal someone, you don't always need medication. And perhaps someone does not even need healing. Sometimes they just need to be told there ain't nothing wrong with them.
Also, sometimes, it is just time. Sometimes medical science just comes up with cures when you don't really need one and I think that HRT was developed during this era. I know that sometimes women can really suffer - and I mean really suffer - because of their period pains and the menopause, sure, I just have - but I also think that giving them hormonal drugs on a regular basis is not the answer - it should only be done IF they are compromised in some way.
I personally only every take one type of drug - paracetemol - for everything. The other day though I was wondering maybe I should go and get checked up for my blood pressure, etc. Getting old really sucks. This is why I have to keep running.
Running moderately and stretching on a daily basis will be the only thing standing between me and decrepitude. Too much exercise is also super bad. In any case I have decided I am not afraid of dying. I am absolutely terrified of becoming an immobile, helpless human being though. That I am terrified of.
I was also wondering also - with that three week long PMT, what is the best thing for me. I felt I had completely lost control of everything in my life. It is really hard to explain. For about that time, possibly slightly longer, the writing will show this, I honestly wondered what the point was? I also thought, this writing is not helping me, I am beginning to feel more and more miserable. It is a really good example of correlation is not causation. I also began to get really irritated with everything and everyone - and of course my FB posts would also show this - that I was just completely negative about everything in life. Even though I had nothing to be negative about. Of course there are difficulties, but you know...
And last weekend, if ever I felt like someone who was utterly pointless - that would have been it. Don't get me wrong I still watched lots of documentaries and prepped for class, but man alive, if there was an exit door to the world, I would have almost certainly stepped through it.
Then, of course, it passes, and I recovering. The thing about recovering is that you realise that it is alright. Things are alright. I suppose this is the thing about people who end up killing themselves. There is possibly nothing redeeming around them. I have a friend who works with people who do this. She is a total hero. Broken people who have nothing and she helps them to help themselves. Honestly, I have so much of admiration for her.
I must think about so many things now. So many things.
Life is alright, life is good.
Truth be told I had a really horrible weekend. I ended up in bed for most of it - well I was reading and researching loads, but yes, it was awful. I ended up having to take loads of paracetemol. I wasn't sure if I was having the flu or the menopause, or abstaining from alcohol - but it was terrible. I went to bed in Friday and stayed in bed all of Saturday and then on Saturday evening in caved in an began taking paracetemol non-stop resulting in feeling better on Sunday. Where I went for the da Vinci exhibition. I did the weekly shop and then I went to bed again.
I have never had a run of so much feeling depressed and useless in my entire life. Even when I was going through my toughest times, I was really active. I chalk it up to the menopause or the flu. Even though everyone whom I have met has also told me they're going through a shit time.
Another weird development is I am craving yogurt. There must be something in the yogurt which my body needs - the calcium, the bacteria? - who knows? It's weird.
To make matters worse, the oil ran out. I have no idea if Peter has ordered more oil. On Saturday I just thought, I can't do this anymore.It is all too much. Sure that's typical me when I'm sick - but I honestly didn't know what the point was anymore.
Today was much better though. Much better.
I have lit a fire in the living room and it is really warm. And I brought down the heater in Peter's room. The entire room is roasting. I think I'll serve dinner here.
Notes on the menopause.
So I did not get my period for four months - almost exactly four months. BUT I did spend the last three weeks almost having a period. Finally, after a week of not really deciding, it arrived on Friday - and again, it was a weird thing. It finally got going on Saturday night. By this stage I had decided to just go with the medication so I felt no pain. But the run up to it - the achy joints and limbs and the misery and melancholia. It was like I had never felt anything like it - it was debilitating. I had to do everything to stop myself.
What is really weird is that despite having had a period for most of my life - since 11 actually - I still feel whenever I have my period that I have never gotten used to it. Well, yes of course I know it, but gotten used to it, never. The pain, the exhaustion, the crazy PMTs which would drive me and everyone else around me nuts - I don't have them anymore though. The thing about them though what that I knew that if I felt this way, the period was three days round the corner. Now with the menopause, there is no way of knowing what is happening. So the no period for three months, and then the intermittent period for three weeks - is that all there is? Surely there's more... the other day I was lying bed feeling bloated for three weeks and just wondering should I go and see the doctor because if that doesn't come out of me will I have septicemia? Of course the way doctors work here is that if you have a problem with the uterus, HRT is the answer. I wonder how training in medical school takes place.
Problem ===> Tool
I wonder which part of their training does the work healing occur? To heal someone, you don't always need medication. And perhaps someone does not even need healing. Sometimes they just need to be told there ain't nothing wrong with them.
Also, sometimes, it is just time. Sometimes medical science just comes up with cures when you don't really need one and I think that HRT was developed during this era. I know that sometimes women can really suffer - and I mean really suffer - because of their period pains and the menopause, sure, I just have - but I also think that giving them hormonal drugs on a regular basis is not the answer - it should only be done IF they are compromised in some way.
I personally only every take one type of drug - paracetemol - for everything. The other day though I was wondering maybe I should go and get checked up for my blood pressure, etc. Getting old really sucks. This is why I have to keep running.
Running moderately and stretching on a daily basis will be the only thing standing between me and decrepitude. Too much exercise is also super bad. In any case I have decided I am not afraid of dying. I am absolutely terrified of becoming an immobile, helpless human being though. That I am terrified of.
I was also wondering also - with that three week long PMT, what is the best thing for me. I felt I had completely lost control of everything in my life. It is really hard to explain. For about that time, possibly slightly longer, the writing will show this, I honestly wondered what the point was? I also thought, this writing is not helping me, I am beginning to feel more and more miserable. It is a really good example of correlation is not causation. I also began to get really irritated with everything and everyone - and of course my FB posts would also show this - that I was just completely negative about everything in life. Even though I had nothing to be negative about. Of course there are difficulties, but you know...
And last weekend, if ever I felt like someone who was utterly pointless - that would have been it. Don't get me wrong I still watched lots of documentaries and prepped for class, but man alive, if there was an exit door to the world, I would have almost certainly stepped through it.
Then, of course, it passes, and I recovering. The thing about recovering is that you realise that it is alright. Things are alright. I suppose this is the thing about people who end up killing themselves. There is possibly nothing redeeming around them. I have a friend who works with people who do this. She is a total hero. Broken people who have nothing and she helps them to help themselves. Honestly, I have so much of admiration for her.
I must think about so many things now. So many things.
Life is alright, life is good.
Comments