17.10.24 - Thursday

Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday a child had made a breakthrough with maths this week and sustained it. I was profoundly touched. There are loads of breakthroughs taking place every day with that class. I have managed to rectify most of my mistakes - the mistakes I made with my classes in the past. They are making great strides.

Then Oisin came home yesterday. Always nice having him here. He seemed a lot less highly strung. Having seen Michaela was good. He is so lucky - they are so lucky. It's quite magical. 

October is almost over. I have been doing the meditations this week and they have very much sustained me. I have been feeling very grounded. Yesterday, for the first time, I picked up the Writing Fiction book and began writing again. I did a free writing exercise and it was about being a liar.

It was a good start. I played my piano for 20 minutes. Small starts. I did this blog. I have been doing lesson prep in the evening. I booked into the Forest School sessions. It has really been so healing. 

I have ha this incredible time really. Also my hands are healing. They are coming back to mobility. It began when I started the heart healing and we will see how we are in a few weeks.

But it's been almost two weeks and the inflammation has gone down. AND of course, no more drinking. That has been incredible. If ANYONE told me last year that I would stop drinking I would have LAUGHED at them.

It feels STRONG. Really strong.

I just need to add running to my repertoire and we will be good.

The genocide in Gaza has become even worse and the Americans have their hands stained dripping in blood. Anyone who has ever supported Israel is now deeply deeply compromised. Anyone still supporting Israel is a sociopath at the very least. I HOPE Harris loses the elections. Honestly it doesn't even matter, but I hope she loses cos they did every dirty trick in the book and some and they still would have lost. Obama's brand has forever be tarnished being associated with the corruption. Gaza has been the great revealer. For those who have lacked courage. For those which have sold their souls. If they even had souls in the first place. 

I was reading the Writing Fiction book and the only thing left for me to do is just start. So I will start clustering. I mean I think its a load of bollocks, but I will TRUST THE PROCESS. So I will read the next chapter today and then I will cluster. I hate the word cluster. I think it has been overused.

Yesterday for the writing I have been doing many many things which were already suggested. I just need to get started. I am looking back on Singapore and wondering WHY didn't I write when I said I would. Or draw... let me think...

Looking back at Singapore - the reason was not drinking. I only drank three times - maybe even twice. With Hwee Hong and with L and L. I would wake up in the morning, then go to the market and then I would have something with Ma and Pa... did the phone just sap away any energy... I think maybe. I did visit the club everyday though. And read loads about Atlantis.

I spent time with Jac. I did not have a regular time for writing.

What is the best time for me to write? First thing in the morning I think. But what happened? Why did I stop two years ago just so suddenly. I was doing so well... was it because I was thrown back into teaching again? You know what? I was going through hell two years ago. I will forgive myself and just start all over again. Just begin.

Start once more.

So, yes clustering around Atlantis.

Man I hate the way spider diagrams even LOOK. But TRUST THE PROCESS. Yes.

I can't remember if I played the piano AFTER my reading. I think I did do that. It really worked yesterday. My memory is so shite. No. I dd play the piano after I did the writing. Yeah. It feels right. Cos I'm in the writing zone.

I need to relax for an hour after school - BUT the problem is when I come home I AM tired and I end up sleeping and then all momentum goes to shite. So I SHOULD stay in school till 5 at least when I finish my admin - so do all admin in school - and then come back. Do something. I don't know. It used to be a glass of wine. But now it is food and TV....well it used to be wine TV and food. 

I don't know that entire post school thing is a mess.

This morning when I got up though I realised that my life was on a new adventure. I have developed a sense of self - and I am now happy within myself. It is strange to think of how emotional I used to be. I am glad that I was that back in the day, but I am glad I am no longer that now.

Wait. I was trying to discern my habits again.... right I -

1. Journal regularly

2. Write regularly - I have learnt to write on demand

What I need to do is:

1. Write fiction regularly - do a bad first draft, I give myself permission to do that.

2. Try clustering as a technique

3. Read the Writing Fiction book daily

4. Start reading good fiction again

Today, I will read the next chapter and start clustering. OMG there has to be a better word than that. I'm really hoping this technique doesn't work for me.

But I do think that two hours every day first thing in the morning is the right thing. It seems right. I think the running needs to take place after school maybe? Writing and Piano...

So Writing and Piano in the morning. I have these good healthy routines. I need to just gently start cultivating them.

I'm so glad I stopped drinking. It has really saved my life. My god. I was so so lost. I feel so much much better.