16.10.24 - Art everyday

During today's meditation I found the child who experienced all the anger and the scolding which took place when I was a child. Truth is I do not know how much scolding I did receive, but it must have been enough for me to feel fear. The fear of being scolded and being made to feel responsible for mistakes which I made which were even accidents.

I know that this was very normal. My sons did not grow up with that. I did do the riot act like twice a year if something was too much, but they never experienced the constant berating which took place.

It felt constant. 

But today I released that. I said, I see you now and I consciously let it go.

It was powerful. Well that's another thing, these vague words to express plenitude will no longer do.

They will have to go.

Not drinking is just the start of it.

After the weekend in Rostrevor, I began to use the heart energy to heal my wrist. It feels like its getting better. There are good days and bad days. It doesn't matter. It is incrementally getting better. My toes are getting better too.

I think it's been almost a year since I broke my foot.

Not drinking - that's the least of it.

I'm now also doing my lesson prep the night before and managing to get things sorted, bit by bit.

I do get very tired coming home from school though, but I get up and do the lesson prep and that's good. We are 'on' all the time when we are in school. I use the holidays to be 'off'. It is a good chance to be off as it were.

The full moon meditation sent me into a wakefulness that lasted till almost midnight. Maybe I don't do that for sleeping. I will do the solar plexus clearing for just before I sleep.

I am working to spiritualise my body. After this set of 7 - this life phase which is 49 through to 56, I am spiritualising my physical body. Already my body is setting these things in motion. 

Things I did yesterday.

The morning meditation, deciding to no longer apologise for challenging the colonialist mindset using intuition and a postcolonial sensibility which must must must include spirituality.

This was a landmark. As a result, my language and emails no longer expressed an apologetic sensibility as well. I have begun to stand in my own power and will facilitate others to do the same.

I played the piano yesterday. I have started just playing the next variation rather than starting all over again. I don't have a goal for the piano as yet. That has changed.

School was wonderful. The children understand fractions and had fun doing them. The basic essential nature of fractions has been taken in by them.

Everything we do is engaging and fun. Where it cannot be I try my best to bring their wills to bear so they are able to stick with it.

I have started to prep at night which is powerful. This leaves the mornings free to think and meditate.

Write.

I wonder if my attitude to Steiner education has changed? If anything, I am more of a proponent, but I also understand that it is incredibly important that the academic side is also emphasised. This was a huge mistake at my start. I thought it would just be done if I threw enough of it at the child. This is not how it works. For some children it must b worked in.

Then some children come to us, despite being young in their years, already so damaged by the system which has resulted in such severe trauma it is wonder how anyone survives this. I wonder what horrors await the children in Singapore who go through trauma a million times worse than the children here. The expectation, the insistence, the cultural guilt - and then the superficial success. 

But that's not a thing I need to be concerned about - Singapore I mean.

In addition to the anthroposophy, there are other things which are inherently good for the human being.

How art is entwined in the everyday. The smaller class sizes. The no stress to the testing and homework. The flexible curriculum. The contracting and expansion. The homely surroundings - so it doesn't feel like they are going into an institution. The eating with the class teacher. The small playground which is helpful for children who find it difficult to manage in a massive unstructured space. Etc etc etc.

All those things.

Then there are some children who need more acute intervention. For these extreme children we cannot do anything for them. We are at the limit of our abilities.

But every school should be a Steiner school. The other half of the equation is the family.

Having a constant family is vital.

In lieu of being unable to focus and write, I am going to spend this year working through my how to write fiction books until I manage to get something going. This time is going to be spent connecting with the writing angelic hierarchies and repeicing my brain back together again. This is the other project. To write until I am able to write fiction. That will be my other goal this year. 

Here it goes then.