13.19.24 - Rainbows

Rainbows are a frequent occurrence in Ireland. the mix of sun and rain and mizzle and mist means that there's always one lurking about the corner ready to appear in the skies. On a single day it is not unusal to see a few at different times of day. Despite their frequency, they are still quite the sight. I always think of Atlantis and how the original remembered deluge, here in the land of Atlantis means that we get to see them all the time.

I have been spending too much time on the phone and the TV. I really do need to stop it. It's just too easy to fall into the idiocy really. Too easy.

So today, everything starts once more. I start to look after myself a lot more.

School is now on an even keel - again. The children are doing great. The fractions are being learnt and they seem to understand it. Next week we recap everyday and then we do equivalent fractions - step by step by step... or maybe we could do add and subtract - difficult to know where to go next, but we have to go somewhere. Well - we could do addition and subtraction and then turning mixed numbers into improper fractions. I could call it having fun with fractions.

And use the fractions aids.

But, this post was supposed to be about getting back my time. It has been difficult really - well, its back now.

The New Heart

Last week was so important - understanding that I now have a new heart, everything begins again. And I know that it has been a genuine transformation because whenever I find myself becoming imbalanced, I find my heart, seek it's intelligence, and rebalance once more.

I find myself seeking it's experience and it becomes something which grounds me. It is like a pendulum, swinging away, regularly, pulling my crazy thoughts back to myself.

And then I am better again.

Everyone can experience a genuine renewal.

So, the new routine could be, and I started this and forgot - to light the candle every morning and smudge myself, followed by drawing a card.

Abuse I endured. I am now going to write the things I endured around ritual for so long.

If I want to say that, just because someone endured a terrible childhood, it is no excuse to treat other people as if they are disposable. I acknowledge what took place and I now record it.

I had always tried to be supportive of his efforts, whatever it was. But even the smallest reciprocation was never received. I was too young to know, to spot the red flags, and in many ways, I was also held captive - I could have returned to Singapore, but that's in the past now, and I may yet return to Singapore - that is in the future - but the point is I held on and have managed to find healing for myself. So here is the smallest gestures that went derided and mocked.

Around 1999, I had decided that I was going to learn about shamanic drumming. I just woke up one day and decided that this was something I had to learn. Which I did, clearly. I cannot tell you how much shamanic drumming has saved me in my life. That unbreakable connection to the widest and the narrowest has pulled me through the most difficult times. 

I also began to use the smudge stick, as part of the ritual, and everytime I used it, he would tell me how disgusting it smelt. He would make so much objection to it - that I had to stop. The burning of sage is something which to me, is soothing and the scent is uplifting. Not to mention the cleansing effect the oils have - and he would object to this vehemently. Actually it is only in this moment I have realised that the cleansing properties of sage were working just fine. It was him - HE was the problem. So I never burnt sage any longer in the house when he was around. Still though, despite his permanently blocked nose, he hated the smudge and could smell the slightest whiff.

There were many idiotic things which he did. Like towards the end, he would play John Denver's Annie's Song constantly on the guitar. I assume he was learning it to serenade his then girlfriend. Which I knew about. How in the wide world did I put up with that shit? I wonder if he did that in order to piss me off. By that stage I was beyond being pissed off, of course. We were in the divorce process. I wonder if we was trying to say to me, hey look, I'm trying to do something nice for my girlfriend. He had no idea how over I was at that stage of course. 

So many little things which, when I look back... I think. 

But this is a process of healing... so 

A ritual every morning - lighting the candle, smudging myself and drawing a card. Drumming and journeying. I then boil water, make coffee and then do some blogging and writing. 

Evening ritual - write in journal and plan the day.

2. Eating well

Salads and back to IF.

I have no even thought about alcohol as an option now for the longest time. Even for the weekend, there may be a twinge but then it goes back to, nah - just a fleeting thing. Not even a real thing.

3. Exercising

It has to be at 6 am every morning. There is no more options around that. I can swim after school, but I hate the pool. It's so full of chlorine and germs. I don't like it. The cauterising effects of the UV of sunlight just makes it germ warfare. I can feel it.

4. Art and music

Piano at 7 am for half and hour

Drawing at weekends for half a day

5. Writing

Everyday - find two hours at the same time... maybe I can go for a swim and then write? Lt me try writing one more time after the blogging. Just one last go. If it doesn't work after two weeks I will find another way.

6. Admin and Divorce

Follow schedule

Everything is solved by my not using my phone so much. Everything will literally be solved by that. From the cleaning to the everything else.

My wrists are still sore, but I think they are heading in the right direction. 

When I get back I'll - well apparently I'm going to Fodder. Then when I get back after I'll hoover the house and do the finances for Forest School. The birthday party and the two fostering network gigs. Then after that I'll do lesson prep, play the piano and then sort the week. So many things to be done. I do love love love my life. It floats and shimmers and does wonderful things. There isn't a day which goes by which I think to myself this is the best outcome of all the hands I could have possibly been dealt. And where it wasn't the best outcome, it was out of my comtrol and I can do nothing about it.

So I die in peace. I go to sleep in peace. All the loose ends have been tied up before I move on. And believe you me, I am moving on.