Ballad of the Broken Foot
I did feel very stupid walking around the past few days with a broken foot though. At least I know I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill. The break was quite substantial too.
So now we know I have a crazy pain threshold which brings me to Thursday 3 pm. It was the moment I realised that I had another very high pain threshold. The pain threshold for bullshit. To put it mildly, I was literally TRIGGERED, and I have NEVER BEEN triggered in my entire life. Never. But something inside me snapped when I realise how much I had been emotionally and financially abused and exploited by someone who has no capacity for feeling accountable, shame, or responsibility, with a side helping of take credit where no credit should be taken.
I told my sister, they were like anjing kepala busuk. Just why don't you leave us alone? Like you had done most of our lives... why when no one wants nor needs you you suddenly turn up and behave and PERFORM.
And I realised something after the whole foot thing... that you know what...
This.
There is such a thing as a Wrong Victim. If you are the Wrong Victim you are someone who resists and then refuses to go down. You grow under their abuse. You say, I am not doing this. I was made for resistance. The Singaporean Government taught me well, and I am from migrant stock. Make no mistake. Freedom fighting and standing on my own two feet are hard wired in my DNA. Then I had the reasons to fight back... the boys...
To do right by them.
I have been woke my entire life.
I discovered that while you are fighting though, in the thick of it, you put all emotion to one side. You just trudge. You just keep moving - until you get to the end. Then, THEN it becomes safe to feel again. Then it becomes possible once more.
However, one thing I have realised is that while I had been avoiding - subconsciously - situations, and therefore for the longest time had been over it - plus one makes one's own punishment, as any cursory glance in said direction will tell you - what I did not expect was my FURIOUS reaction to the complete lack of conscience, hypocrisy and credit taking. As the hour wore on I found myself getting more and more incensed. Also, at the same time, getting annoyed with myself for feeling annoyed. It was layer upon layer of madness.
When I came back I was fit to burst, and burst I did. It was catalysed by being asked if I would apply for the EMA. I said, why do you need an EMA? You don't qualify for it... yeah your salary is low enough to apply for an EMA. I said, yeah but you don't stay with me full time - ask your father for that. Ask him to give you pocket money. I already pay for fees, your phone bill, and your gym bill. He can pay for your pocket money. And if you need money you can ask me. I am not applying for the EMA.
That's how it began. Then I realised how furious I was. My mother said, you must not let him see you are angry. He will enjoy that. I said, He doesn't know I am angry. He can't see it.
But as soon as I realised how deep the root ran, it subsided. It disappeared. It was gone. The last tears wrung from the poison tree. I said to her, and friends, I know when I am rational and lucid, that I am now living my best life. I am doing a job I love and can throw myself into, I run a Forest School which is well thought of, I have two GORGEOUS WONDERFUL boys who I can take 100% credit for, I am in great health - well apart from the foot - and I have enough. Enough. That is important.
So here we go...
Ghin is awake which means that it's time for late breakfast, early lunch.
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