7.9.23

It has been a very long week. Well long and short. Having Oisin here has been so wonderful but at the same time it is hard when he leaves. He stays here with me and he has been such great company. We get on well. He has a gentle, pleasant manner about him and he is incredibly conscientious. I told him to enjoy this in between time. It may be the only time when, freed from responsibility, you have this space to do what you choose. I said how I had about 3 months between my A levels and the results coming out where I ran, swam, biked all over Singapore. It was one of the happiest times of my life. 

I have had so many happy times, I really CANNOT complain. Being young, and fit and so full of potential. Even then I was tortured with the idea of what would my future hold for me. I would need to choose very consciously. I had always, always taken my part in being a human being seriously. I would never contribute unknowingly to a mess. 

And yet everywhere it seems, the bad guys are winning. The ones who play unfairly. It's ok. When the bad guys win, that's when you know revolution is round the corner. The bad guys are bad because they do not know their limits. They believe they are entitled. God given. They now possess the Divine Right of Kings. I suppose there are two ways of looking at it. You have Divine Right and you look after what you have been 'given' conscientiously. OR you think its all for you are trash it. That way lies perdition. How come this kind of human being gets manufactured from time to time? A kind of human being with, for some reason, does not seem to understand that this is about beauty, that already the planet is a treasure? That the unseen bond between people is pure gold? That the love we bear each other is beyond measure? How come? How come this kind of human being insists that things which are TRULY ephemeral are the most valued? And the most ephemeral thing of all? Well, that would be the feeling that you can fill that emptiness inside without doing the hard hard work of self acceptance.

There is an emptiness in these people. I have seen it. Like as life goes by, they do not develop any depth. They continue to function as they did when they were 15, 20 or 35. Life has not taught them anything. Instead they either end up covering their insecurities frantically until it reaches fever pitch - the mid-life crisis. Then they either end up making this better - they see their reflection in the mirror and then change, but usually it is they make things worse. And the worst thing is that they drag everyone along with them. Maniacs.

Now it seems like everyone is in the middle of a mid-life crisis permanently. Between Covid and social media it is like the world has collectively lost its mind. It's like everything can be replaced with an app. You can see which way this is going. Even in Singapore the robot waiters have been retired. There were very few of them. Will technology ever replace us? Why would we want it to?

I suppose I should think about today and what it means...

Really the big things, for now, have been sorted for me. By Big Things, I mean the life which I lead... the things which make me think, this is important. Anthroposophy. My job. What I do with my time... these things... I feel terrible that I cannot do this with my parents and with my sister... I think that this is the most painful part. I did not factor in this when I made those choices... and stuck with them 26 years ago. 

But I DETEST Singapore. It is like who thought this would be a good idea? It's like the lunatics are now in charge of the asylum. It is perfectly possible to create a space where you just go from one thing to the next, but the faces of those people on the buses, walking, in the shopping centres... grief. Literally, grief. If people were not smiling 26 years ago, they are filled with defeat now. Sitting on buses, I see that Singapore is a place where massive sections of the population are now shut out from the best Singapore does offer. Sometimes you wonder about colonials status symbols. Like massive vanity buildings and structures. Shopping malls. Office blocks. Are these places occupied? What goes on in them? I hate Singapore. It is a wonder of the world, but that's like saying a nuclear power plant is a wonder of the world.

Oh there is SOMETHING I need to work on myself as well. I still allow my pet peeves to peeve me off. It's not so bad with the howlians of the world, but I do really still object to the dictators. I think I may have PDA. 

No... I do not. I just detest authority for two reasons. Usually only idiotic people r in authority n secondly, and this is the more important one, collective decision making is better. But the people making decisions have to be open and honest. Democracy is now tainted. It was always flawed. But I think that inclusivity,  genuinely holding a space for everyone. I think that has to happen. And u know what as I have always known. If u don't like something, just wait. It will change. Unless it is Singapore, then the hole in the ground gets larger and larger and it will fall in on itself. Sadly also the case for the US, UK and possibly a host of other anglophonic countries.