10.9.23

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Just had a facetime with Ma. I told her I was feeling quite sad. For no reason. Really there is no reason. Everything is good. Nothing has changed. But me feeling sad for no good reason.

She said, well could it be that you have so much to do? Well, no more than usual.

I honestly could not tell you. I run, I eat well, I am drinking wayyyyyyy less than I have ever done, and teaching is going good. I am rid of millstone round my neck, things are working out on every front and yet - what is this source of malaise?

Yesterday Ghin told me I was his best friend. Really couldn't you ask for more? Having joyfully, but with great difficulty - cos bringing up children is tough - brought these boys up and successfully managed to steer them through the rocks of doom, they are now almost free. Ghin has two more years, and Oisin is now making his way through the world. I have crazy expenses, I have money in my pockets, enough, the divorce saga is coming to an end... everything is good. Everything. How could I complain?

I cannot. I simply have to start living my best life. It is my responsibility to do that. 

I can start by cleaning up the rooms.

I have JUST COME BACK from a holiday. I told my mother maybe I just miss being on holiday. I really did love it, although Singapore is just awful. There is nothing which I want there. Right. I have to plan, that is what I need to do. See where things have slipped and slip they have, and get back on top of things. I have lots of writing to catch up on, things to put in place, and lessons to prepare.

There are things to do and maybe if I had my foot I would have gone running which usually sorts everything out, but I need to grow up. Grow up Stephanie. It feels like always wading through treacle. Always something more to be done and I feel completely done. But look at this life - I chose this life, so I cannot complain. I be happy with the choice I have made and you know, three days ago I was happy. Now I am not happy in general and I couldn't say why. I think I need to go off line to honestly write in my journal. At least I have done the kitchen and now I need to do the garage. That's what I will do. I will look at the things I have to do and organise myself. I think maybe I have spent too much time watching Gossip Girl which a completely idiotic show. So I think I'll do myself a favour and stop doing that.

But to journalling and planning now...I am going to give myself 2 hours to do that. Also having coffee helps.

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