#135 - #117 (18)

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What was this weekend like? Busy but in a really lovely way. Forest School was on Saturday - working with the Fostering Network. Then what did I do after that? I think I came home and flopped. Sleep was strange and disturbed. I learnt at 3.30 am Ma had fallen down again in the carpark at Serangoon Gardens.

That was very sad. I felt nothing and decided that I am clearly a psychopath. But when I met Jemma and Siuban this afternoon and did the sand play, i discovered that actually I had pushed everything so deep down inside me that it was all there - just very very squished.

Oh yes, the car passed the MOT. That was great.

Then I came home and yes, I also started this morning finishing the Faustus script. I completed that a few minutes ago... and now I'm starting to clear the house.

The clearing is going to take an hour or so. But I will be done by 11 pm. Yes, that was the day. Some friends, some Faust... and of course Ma.

I do feel sad. I do.

I also don't feel anything. Because it is all there and maybe a lot of all of my feelings no longer exist. Emma asked me on Friday do you think you could kill someone? I said, yes. If I had to, I would. I would kill anyone who threatened my sons. I would. No two ways about it.

Oh I also did the weekly shop. It was strange in Tescos. The shop was very quiet. People were using the beeping thing a lot to keep track of their spending. Everywhere it was going beep beep beep. The prices were unbelievable. I did the grocey shop - for the week and it came to £80. That's for the two of us. It was a bit more than a week. But imagine trying to shop for an entire family. It doesn't bear thinking.

Right time to start cleaning again. I think i'll try running tomorrow... no, Tuesday. Things are looking up. And the keyboard which I have started using which was very stiff is now becoming looser. So it's all good. As I said today, I really do NOT need to ever buy anything every again.

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