#96.20 - Sunday #16: Facing the Shadow

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Courage as the sunrises to face a new day

I have to say I am in good spirits. This isn't bravado. I kinda feel bad that I'm doing great. Of course I feel the burden of Holy Week, more than ever, but if I am completely honest, it is not really a burden, it is a luxury. I have never understood it before, and now I do.

The dragging of the self into the next year, having to leave those who cannot behind and wanting yourself to maybe stay behind too. The mourning that we are moving into the next place and those who did not make it - they must be left to go on, before us. It is fucking hard work.

I never understood that before, and now I do. Because I have been forced to sit with it due to this lockdown. Previously it was all too easy to try and escape. Two years ago I jumped into my car and drive to Portnoo and then made my way to Skellig Michael. 

But all in all I feel great.

I have decided that after today - today is the day I go to ground - I think - and then after today I am going to make sure that I have a routine that begins at 5 am, instead of 4.

It makes sense - now that I don't have to go to school anymore since its the holidays and there is loads to be done. 

Nothing makes anymore sense, apart from what I choose to do with my life. I am not afraid. It has been a long time since I have lost any sense of the self. Something in me has transformed and now I can walk abroad. I am no longer afraid. 

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