#107.20 - Sunday #24: Looking back

Mid painting

Purdy boys

Honestly I have never been good at sharing grief. Never. I don't know if I would ever be. Oisin is a bit like me. We are very good at minimalising pain. It never goes there, until it does.

So this morning I was jolted awake by a sense of sorrow. It was awful. I felt like I had/have wasted my time in lockdown, partly true and partly untrue. If i look at what I've done, I've done loads and I think we have another 2/3 weeks at least of this, so there is loads of time. My brain is not functioning at all regarding the children and their experiments.

I don't know if they CAN do the experiments. It has caused a jam in my brain.

I wonder maybe they should do Islam instead... the Fall of Rome and Islam. Ugh I don't know my brain is on fire.

I have to make a decision. It is very hard to do this on my own. But had to enumerate all the good things I had done since the start of all this.

I have:

Started painting birds again and improved loads - 9 paintings
Playing the piano and playing well - Spirited Away, I get better each day
Running and slowly getting back in form - I now run Stormont Hill
Started looking at the website for Elements
Writing again
Cleaned out the shed
Cleaned the back of the shed
Did the garden
Planted seeds
Kept the house going - cleaned and laundry and hoovering
Cooked proper meals everyday - yesterday we had turkey satay with coconut milk and lime cordial
Joined the Green Party and started looking at how we can live more sustainably
Conducted online classes
Lent support to people who needed it

I mean this is a pretty huge list of things I've done. I need to be kinder on myself. They are all amazing. And I am delighted with them. In between, yes I did watch too much Netflix and yes, I did sleep too much, but I've managed to get over that now. It is like... if I could describe it, when the shut down took place it was a virtual earthquake.

I had to go into logical mode. So I did things like, I knew I was financially ok and I was also looked after in terms of the houses. I refused to give into panic, so stayed calm and part of that staying calm was watching too much Netflix and sleeping a lot, while, without missing a beat, sorting out packs for children to take home. Then, I began supporting parents doing home learning - trying my best to put on a pro face. I drew many many birds in the process. All the time trying to process what was going on. Then last week took place and I did go into a serious breathing out state. Plus it was Holy Week. Then, at the end of last week, I regained my footing and managed to scramble back onto mainland and now I am fine. It is only because I have reached a place of safety that I have been jolted by sorrow. I know this. If this had never happened, I would still be in panic mode. A panic mode which disguises itself as activity.

Listening to Charles Eisenstein about the Coronavirus. It is so good to hear someone talk about this sensibly. We see the signs of a new story - the Covid-19 pandemic is showing us the old story in its most extreme form.

It is so good to listen to him. This is where I am. This is where I live.