The self-sufficiency of becoming 50
The thing about growing older is that you are pretty, well I feel like I am, much in uncharted territory. I am gonna try and make sense of this now.
This is complicated by many, many things. But it all has to do with narrative.
First, I have never understood what it means to 'act my age'. Never. This is mostly because I have never played by any rules - whatever they may be. I never learnt them because whenever I saw any evidence of them, it was mostly awful. So I never bothered finding out how a woman, of a certain age, with certain roles should behave. This was also of course because I discovered feminism when I was young, and also having outsider status, even in Singapore, as a Chinese person who spoke no Chinese, certainly makes you question everything that is thrown at you. I suppose being a post feminist, post colonial subject, born in the richest time of Earth's history means that this was inevitable.
Not acting your age though is ok when you are before 50 - you could be any age you choose to be before 50 and no one cares. But I don't understand why becoming 50, I have two more years to go - is a different milestone from being 40 which I didn't care about at all.
I kinda need to unpack this. I think as I am turning 50, there is a sense that it can't be business as usual - but what business as unusual is supposed to be I am not sure. I am also moving from being mothered to mothering in a very real way. As in I am going to actually become a village elder very soon - what is that supposed to mean?
Also, the things that used to delight me no longer delight me - like mad drinking and doing what appears to be midlife crisis things. I think, quite possibly, I am not having a midlife crisis because I did most of these crazy things not in my midlife. So there isn't a sense that I passed life by. I totally took part in everything in life... and I don't want to stop, I just want to do it in a different way and I'm not sure what this new way is going to be?
Is it gardening? Art? More music? What? I don't know.
Also when I hear women talk about men, especially women who are looking for the special someone, I sorta feel, that really is of no concern to me. It is not something which I can associate with either. And it isn't because I feel bitter or hurt or betrayed or whatever... this seems really awful, but when I think of men in that way - let me say that I love guys, and when I hang out with them, I really hang out with them, I love the craic - but I when I think of them in terms of being in a relationship, it sort of exhausts me. I am honestly not interested in that dizzying first wave of love excitement which was so addictive in previous relationships. In fact that kind of puppy dog excitement in anything is not necessary any longer. And it isn't because I am cynical and jaded, but more like, hey you know, I did that - I ticked that box and I fucking LOVED it, and it is really good I did that then - and now it is just not necessary any more.
I don't know - is self-sufficient the right word to use? I think that it is - I feel a deep deep sense of self sufficiency not just in the relationship part of my life but increasingly in all parts of my life. And I don't know if that's good. Because I think until this moment I never really thought of it like this.
I think it very feels like I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore - not even myself. I really don't. It is not like I don't want to learn new things, it is more like, I learn new things for myself. And it feels awesome good.
I do things now to resonate with the universe, not to rail against it. To be in true harmony with it. And it mostly means doing things which are meaningful and in moderation. We live so much in an age of extremes where everyone is trying to outdo everyone else and gain approval from as many people as possible that to just be still, to enjoy beauty where you find it, to breathe in the air and to embrace and be embraced by the world - to be mildly mundane - is to be unique.
What is also deeply satisfying is that I know the things which help me resonate with the universe. And it is nothing to do with going to any special place, but like my favourite poet, Emily Dickinson, to sit very still and travel within. It is the most satisfying feeling ever.
I am never happier than when I am writing in my journal or blog. Relearning a piano piece. Going for a short run around my neighbourhood. Sweeping up the garden. I think my 50s are going to be very very chilled.
Not for the first time I have understood something new through doing this blog. Also ironically, at the age I am now, I finally realise that I have all the time in the world. I have every second and every minute that I will ever need. Thank you the universe.
This is complicated by many, many things. But it all has to do with narrative.
First, I have never understood what it means to 'act my age'. Never. This is mostly because I have never played by any rules - whatever they may be. I never learnt them because whenever I saw any evidence of them, it was mostly awful. So I never bothered finding out how a woman, of a certain age, with certain roles should behave. This was also of course because I discovered feminism when I was young, and also having outsider status, even in Singapore, as a Chinese person who spoke no Chinese, certainly makes you question everything that is thrown at you. I suppose being a post feminist, post colonial subject, born in the richest time of Earth's history means that this was inevitable.
Not acting your age though is ok when you are before 50 - you could be any age you choose to be before 50 and no one cares. But I don't understand why becoming 50, I have two more years to go - is a different milestone from being 40 which I didn't care about at all.
I kinda need to unpack this. I think as I am turning 50, there is a sense that it can't be business as usual - but what business as unusual is supposed to be I am not sure. I am also moving from being mothered to mothering in a very real way. As in I am going to actually become a village elder very soon - what is that supposed to mean?
Also, the things that used to delight me no longer delight me - like mad drinking and doing what appears to be midlife crisis things. I think, quite possibly, I am not having a midlife crisis because I did most of these crazy things not in my midlife. So there isn't a sense that I passed life by. I totally took part in everything in life... and I don't want to stop, I just want to do it in a different way and I'm not sure what this new way is going to be?
Is it gardening? Art? More music? What? I don't know.
Also when I hear women talk about men, especially women who are looking for the special someone, I sorta feel, that really is of no concern to me. It is not something which I can associate with either. And it isn't because I feel bitter or hurt or betrayed or whatever... this seems really awful, but when I think of men in that way - let me say that I love guys, and when I hang out with them, I really hang out with them, I love the craic - but I when I think of them in terms of being in a relationship, it sort of exhausts me. I am honestly not interested in that dizzying first wave of love excitement which was so addictive in previous relationships. In fact that kind of puppy dog excitement in anything is not necessary any longer. And it isn't because I am cynical and jaded, but more like, hey you know, I did that - I ticked that box and I fucking LOVED it, and it is really good I did that then - and now it is just not necessary any more.
I don't know - is self-sufficient the right word to use? I think that it is - I feel a deep deep sense of self sufficiency not just in the relationship part of my life but increasingly in all parts of my life. And I don't know if that's good. Because I think until this moment I never really thought of it like this.
I think it very feels like I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore - not even myself. I really don't. It is not like I don't want to learn new things, it is more like, I learn new things for myself. And it feels awesome good.
I do things now to resonate with the universe, not to rail against it. To be in true harmony with it. And it mostly means doing things which are meaningful and in moderation. We live so much in an age of extremes where everyone is trying to outdo everyone else and gain approval from as many people as possible that to just be still, to enjoy beauty where you find it, to breathe in the air and to embrace and be embraced by the world - to be mildly mundane - is to be unique.
What is also deeply satisfying is that I know the things which help me resonate with the universe. And it is nothing to do with going to any special place, but like my favourite poet, Emily Dickinson, to sit very still and travel within. It is the most satisfying feeling ever.
I am never happier than when I am writing in my journal or blog. Relearning a piano piece. Going for a short run around my neighbourhood. Sweeping up the garden. I think my 50s are going to be very very chilled.
Not for the first time I have understood something new through doing this blog. Also ironically, at the age I am now, I finally realise that I have all the time in the world. I have every second and every minute that I will ever need. Thank you the universe.
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| So, is this what self-sufficiency feels like? |
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