Advent
Phew! That moon passed. What the fuck was that? Today we drove to Island Magee, my mom, dad and Aurelia. It was December weather, wet and cold and moody. The skies filled with a sulphuric tint, which made it feel very wintery. It is hard not to think about the lives which we might have led in weather like this, but also walking along the short but perfectly formed strand in Port Muck with my niece, it was also hard not to think about how perfect life is.
We then went shopping in Sainsbury's where we, once again, bought too much...
I've suddenly remembered what I wanted to write.
About four days ago, I wrote something which was about refinding my direction. Sometimes when life gets too too much, I begin to feel like I am drowning, which I what it totally felt like... and so I decided to take time off to rethink life. I have done this before, just clearing all decks even though I have had too much to do. This window of opportunity arrived when I was in the Volvo car showroom, getting the car serviced. I cleaned out my bags, threw out receipts and wrote things down... the night before it occurred to me that I needed to sort of slap myself around the face a bit and ask myself where I saw myself in 20, 30 years time. I know what I mom would say to this, which is don't think so far ahead, just do one day at a time... this is also true, but I also think it is a good idea to do BOTH.
At least if you never get to where you think you were going, you have a fair idea of what you want to do and don't feel like such an arse getting lost. It also helps me think about what I'd like to do - sometimes the amount of choice can be utterly overwhelming, but if you know where you are going, then it really really helps to say yes to somethings and no to others.
Well, as I did this, I realised that the plan which I had crafted about three months ago was good and all I had to do was make sure I just stuck to it. This is always reassuring. The process of decided what life is going to look like often starts with my health and the boys and then to moves from there. Nothing else matters really - if it doesn't contribute to my well-being, sanity and meaning in life, then it is out of the window. This is why I have never pursued too much money, or anything else. The final question is always, is it going to drive me crazy and if the answer is yes, then it goes out the window. Nothing is worth the crazy.
The other question is, does it compromise the core of myself? And again, if the answer is yes, then it is a no. I suppose they are different sides of the same coin.
I have, in my very late 40s, managed to surround myself with things which are meaningful and beautiful, and I really like it. Nature is there in abundance. Friendships. I spend a lot of time with my sons and my parents. I sleep loads. I draw loads. I play the piano when I can. I read amazing things because I have to. There really is nothing like it. Of course change, change will always, always take place, but I'd like to acknowledge for now, that it is all good.
Take for instance this room. This room beside my own room. I walk out of it and it is my office. I look out over the Craigantlet Hills. There is only silence and the rain and the skies. The night is absolute. Tomorrow, I will go and do a job which is ludicrously meaningful and very challenging. It is the emotional equivalent of climbing Everest... honestly, how does life get better than this?
Today in Sainsbury's I was walking around, and I very seldom walk around places which people go to on a regular basis. I spend most of my time in offbeat quirky spaces... but as I walked around Sainsbury's it felt so weirdly wonderful. We could buy organic steak, we could get this utterly delicious apple crumble, there was crab meat in a pot. I was going home to gyoza from the Asian market. I was wearing verdian and spruce Burlington tights, with heeled boots and my dress from a charity shop, light blue with tiny flowers. Over it I wore my Armani jumper which I found in TK Maxx more than ten years ago. My scarf was Irish linen from a shop in Derry which I bought twenty years ago. It was like an outward expression of how I had collected these things around my life.
See when I write an entry like this I sort of feel a little insane - not four days ago I did rather wish I could just stay in bed and never wake up. Never. A feeling like I wish the morning would never come. But then today, I felt like I would live forever. Isn't it weird? And nothing changed.
Well, it is almost eight pm. I did two hours worth of laundry today as well... doing housework always makes me happy, that may have something to do with it.
Tomorrow I am determined to wake up at 5 am, do writing, go for my run again, and then have breakfast. Just get that rhythm going once again. And it is going to be possible because, I have taken stock, re-calibrated and gone back to square one. Right, it is time to head back to Barnett's Road.
We then went shopping in Sainsbury's where we, once again, bought too much...
I've suddenly remembered what I wanted to write.
About four days ago, I wrote something which was about refinding my direction. Sometimes when life gets too too much, I begin to feel like I am drowning, which I what it totally felt like... and so I decided to take time off to rethink life. I have done this before, just clearing all decks even though I have had too much to do. This window of opportunity arrived when I was in the Volvo car showroom, getting the car serviced. I cleaned out my bags, threw out receipts and wrote things down... the night before it occurred to me that I needed to sort of slap myself around the face a bit and ask myself where I saw myself in 20, 30 years time. I know what I mom would say to this, which is don't think so far ahead, just do one day at a time... this is also true, but I also think it is a good idea to do BOTH.
At least if you never get to where you think you were going, you have a fair idea of what you want to do and don't feel like such an arse getting lost. It also helps me think about what I'd like to do - sometimes the amount of choice can be utterly overwhelming, but if you know where you are going, then it really really helps to say yes to somethings and no to others.
Well, as I did this, I realised that the plan which I had crafted about three months ago was good and all I had to do was make sure I just stuck to it. This is always reassuring. The process of decided what life is going to look like often starts with my health and the boys and then to moves from there. Nothing else matters really - if it doesn't contribute to my well-being, sanity and meaning in life, then it is out of the window. This is why I have never pursued too much money, or anything else. The final question is always, is it going to drive me crazy and if the answer is yes, then it goes out the window. Nothing is worth the crazy.
The other question is, does it compromise the core of myself? And again, if the answer is yes, then it is a no. I suppose they are different sides of the same coin.
I have, in my very late 40s, managed to surround myself with things which are meaningful and beautiful, and I really like it. Nature is there in abundance. Friendships. I spend a lot of time with my sons and my parents. I sleep loads. I draw loads. I play the piano when I can. I read amazing things because I have to. There really is nothing like it. Of course change, change will always, always take place, but I'd like to acknowledge for now, that it is all good.
Take for instance this room. This room beside my own room. I walk out of it and it is my office. I look out over the Craigantlet Hills. There is only silence and the rain and the skies. The night is absolute. Tomorrow, I will go and do a job which is ludicrously meaningful and very challenging. It is the emotional equivalent of climbing Everest... honestly, how does life get better than this?
Today in Sainsbury's I was walking around, and I very seldom walk around places which people go to on a regular basis. I spend most of my time in offbeat quirky spaces... but as I walked around Sainsbury's it felt so weirdly wonderful. We could buy organic steak, we could get this utterly delicious apple crumble, there was crab meat in a pot. I was going home to gyoza from the Asian market. I was wearing verdian and spruce Burlington tights, with heeled boots and my dress from a charity shop, light blue with tiny flowers. Over it I wore my Armani jumper which I found in TK Maxx more than ten years ago. My scarf was Irish linen from a shop in Derry which I bought twenty years ago. It was like an outward expression of how I had collected these things around my life.
See when I write an entry like this I sort of feel a little insane - not four days ago I did rather wish I could just stay in bed and never wake up. Never. A feeling like I wish the morning would never come. But then today, I felt like I would live forever. Isn't it weird? And nothing changed.
Well, it is almost eight pm. I did two hours worth of laundry today as well... doing housework always makes me happy, that may have something to do with it.
Tomorrow I am determined to wake up at 5 am, do writing, go for my run again, and then have breakfast. Just get that rhythm going once again. And it is going to be possible because, I have taken stock, re-calibrated and gone back to square one. Right, it is time to head back to Barnett's Road.
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| Life is good... today... |
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