223 - 11.8.26 - -6: Working out - next steps
I thought that I'd just record the 1 thing which I did during the last 4 months with any regularity, apart from look after Ma. Which was workout. I know why I worked out - it was my refuge. My place of safety and where I stayed in control. That's why I worked out. So is the recording of what took place after 4 months.
Overall
In hindsight, 4 months wasn't a long time - but while I was at the start of it, it was fucking brutal. I would look at the diary and think, shit and fuck. There are like 70 days to go... 55 days to go... but in hindsight... here I am at 5 and I kept running and swimming despite how far away it all felt. And how it seemed as if there was no progress. But I now promise myself I will do this for the rest of my life... certainly the rest of my time here - till next year. It has been such a good good thing. If anyone thinks that they are depressed, unhealthy, whatever, I can only suggest to start training. Set a goal and start training.
There are a few reasons I started running and swimming religiously - in fact, you could say it was my church. It nourished and nurtured me. So I'm going to list what was good about it, in no particular order.
1. It helped me to process my grief about Pa.
2. It kept me grounded when looking after Ma.
3. It kept me sane - it was my me time.
4. It improved my fitness levels.
5. I dropped my weight - I don't know how much - but I have totally lost weight. I'll circle back to this later.
6. I feel much better by way of my own sense of self - just overall.
What I didn't expect
I didn't expect all of those things. I think that when I began grieving, my body said, let's just move. I went from numb to raw to acceptance. This was of course helped by looking after Ma and having the boys here. So important. We stopped to acknowledge Pa's passing and that has been so important.
I did not expect that I was so unfit. I know I had put on lots of weight because of my menopause, but it was not good. However, I have dropped most of it. Not as much as I hoped I would, but enough to know that I am going to continue on this path.
Thoughts when working out
I generally just think of - or thought of - the end. For months now, I have been counting the weeks to the end of this time. 16 weeks.. and then the days... but I also thought of other things, like Pa and life in Singapore.
I find life in Singapore superficial and pointless. Every time I venture out a little further, I find that it is even more pointless. Singapore is superficial. I don't know if there are people who live it deeply, but I can tell you, even the most superficial person in Ireland is connected to the land. And when you go there, you are invited to do the same. In Singapore, you cannot do that. If you do that, it will drive you mad. For all the faults that Ireland has, its deep rootedness makes it better overall than Singapore.
But here we are, 6 days to the end. Amazing. Just amazing.
Disappointments
I did think that I would be thinner than I was. But I did have lots of weight to drop. So I did think I would be post Singapore after I gave birth to Ghin. Or 2013 when I lost all that weight, or 2011, when I dropped all that weight after Harapan. But no... I still have my thighs and butt - and maybe I will always have those. But my arms and stomach have significantly reduced.
No matter, there is still a whole other year to go.
Next phase: What do I want?
Well, after this is it going to be doled out in months, not 16 weeks.
So, I do know what I'm working towards.
1. Improving my fitness levels - running and swimming more quickly. Stretching more deeply.
Running: Starting at 6.5 and getting up to 8 km/hr on the machine. Doing the longer route everyday.
Swimming: 14 laps per session
SU: 100
Stretch: Develop deeper stretches
2. Becoming leaner, more defined
I will keep this up, looking at 3 months before I get leaner... 3 months will take us to November. Already I can see that I am getting more muscle definition in my legs, arms and core. So I'll just keep at it.
After week 12, I got to base camp. After week 16, I am finished with the second phase, which is bedding in the changes. This is the foundation. I now build on the foundation and that will be the start of September. So I'll keep going with this last '16 week' to the end of August and then start with September to the end of November.
In conclusion
It has been important and vital that I've continued doing this. I will enter the next phase of three months at the start of September and keep the progress going till November. Even if it isn't progress as such, but just working on it regularly. That is also fine.
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