26.3.24 - Holy week

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I'm just gonna do a quick one here then do other things.

Served yesterday and there was this passage about forgiveness and there is one person whom I cannot forgive, not yet. And I also thought I will absolutely forgive in my own time, if it ever happens at all. And since he tortured me for 27 years and continues to torture me instead of leaving me alone - well he mostly doesn't succeed by the way because now I just mostly laugh at him, I will wait for 27 years before I consider any kind of forgiveness. I think forgiveness is totally overrated anyway. I mean we can just move on. I don't seek forgiveness from anyone whom I have upset rightly or wrongly, accidentally or purposely. Especially purposely, why would I expect anyone to forgive me? Who does forgiveness benefit anyway? Who are the people who write about needing to forgive, probably people who need forgiveness in the first place. I don't need it nor want it. And so what if someone forgives me? So what? If I had upset that person inadvertantly or purposely, whatever, it doesn't really matter. I think that whatever I have done is small potatoes in the light of idiotic things done to me, or indeed the scale of madness which is taking place in the world.

If someone needs me to say I'm sorry, I'll say sorry, but I don't expect anyone's forgiveness.

Yes, what is this insistence on forgiveness anyway. I think parity and justice is far more important. Forgiveness. Give me a break. And also, do you think forgiveness occurs when you say sorry? No, no, it does not. Sorry is ok if you have maybe broken a glass accidentally, but if you have narcissistically tortured someone for 27 years, no, sorry does not QUITE cut it. 

It's ok though, it's ok. I find it infuriating that people (a) have this adherence to a religion from the Middle East and (b) have this version of Christ which I really cannot recognise at all. A version of Christ which is one that is ruthless and monomanic and bitter. It's a very strange version of a divine being.

Yes I did find though that serving was like water washing over a stone... smoothing out my edges. It felt great.

Yesterday was ALSO my third month on the dot not drinking. As we passed behind a wine truck I said, I wonder when is the next time I have a glass of wine and Ghin replied, hopefully never... I also went for my run after the service. Then lunch with Ghin in Cuba and then after I came home and finished a Discovery of Witches. It was actually excellent. I might rewatch it. OK, I really must go now...

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