Leading the cool life

Well, what did I do the past two days? Let me see... I did watch too much of the Last Kingdom. But I also did a leg in the marathon and I did the maypole dancing - it was just wonderful. We managed to do a successful single weaving and I now know what the secret of it is. Not just following a rhythm and going right left right left right left, but ALSO doing it slowly - not rushing ahead and not panicking. You see this especially when people do plays. They speak their lines so quickly that no one understands them. You see this when people make rash impetuous decisions. You see this when someone has to act in haste... and will repent at leisure. When you do single weaving - you have to do this slowly because everyone is doing it as well. And also looking after your own ribbon is very important. You cannot get the line to slack - the moment it slacks it catches the head of the person you have passed and you have to stop. 

But anyway... I had met a friend in Camphill Cafe and she said to me, as I was telling her about Peter saying we had not been married since 2003 which was hilarious, that really I was now free to live life the way I wanted and she said, look at you, you have such a cool life now. And I was damn right - I have a totally cool life now. Totally.

I have a ridiculously cool cool life... this life is AWESOME.

And it is the absolute best life I have.

Although it is not so cool that I am overweight - although this will be sorted with my diet. Already I have noticeably gotten a little less bloated - the not eating between 7 pm to 3 pm has been good. I think I have to push it to 6 pm.

It just goes to how you how much we overeat really. I did a bit overeat on May Day - but if you aren't going to have a bit of fun on a feast day when are you going to have fun?

The cool life - for now - has everything to do with self-actualisation. Let's see, Steiner teacher, Forest School teacher, free from an awful marriage with some spare cash, sons beautiful and grown up. Both more or less independent. Both kind and sweet and strong. Can anyone be happier? I think not.

Yes it is the cool life.

Leading the cool life. I will take it. All the building blocks for the next stage of my life are in place now. I even am thankful for those sufferings and also the strength which got me through them. I am grateful that I at most stages was never anything less than myself. There were a few years leading up to 2013 where I just enabled Peter's behaviour and all the time the window of me being me got smaller and smaller and it was never enough. Then it was over. 

It was over and he said let's try again and I said, well if we are trying again two conditions - it will be we see if this fits and then I will not compromise on who I am. So we tried again. We tried again. And then he said it was over just before the two years were up. 

So there we have it. And it was awful and a kick in the teeth. But well, it is what it is. I wasted all that time. In 2019 I went to see the solicitor and now here we are. Here I am. 

There isn't a single day when I an interrupted by a memory and then think, oh my goodness I am free of that. Or I think, when he went for his stupid trips abroad pretending to save the world and doing nothing of the sort. When he didn't tell me when or where he was going nor returning. And the boys asking me, where is dad and me saying, I don't know guys... yes, all those times. 

And I couldn't ask because he told me that it was controlling of me to ask. Even to ask when he would be home for dinner. So all those dinners the boys and I ate alone - the dinners and the lunches and the breakfasts... I made sure those boys had everything. And my reward is seeing how gorgeous they are.

I take ALL THE CREDIT. ALL THE CREDIT. And the credit is how wonderful they are. And assholes can bask in my reflected glory.