Smiling be overrated
One of the most baffling things which I NEVER understood was my first boyfriend telling me to smile... having been never asked to smile for no reason when I was a child, I did not understand this weird Western, i think affectation. Women should smile and laugh and men's jokes. I will laugh at men's jokes, but only if they are funny. I actually smile a lot and laugh quite easily. Sometimes inappropriately.
I wrote this on FB about non-binary...
The term non-binary is really a red herring because we are all non-binary. Literally non-binary means not either or (binary is two).
Gender is a social construct. What consists of a gender is determined by society. For instance, in Bali men can wear flowers in their hair. In India is perfectly normal for straight men to hold hands. What you *do* and how you appear is determined by society and then it determines who you are. When someone tells you they are non-binary they mean that they do not conform to the social norms of what is expected by their gender.
But what is expected of one's gender? Not so long ago if you wore trousers, worked, had an education, managed your own money and chose your sexual partners, you were not considered a woman. If you did childcare, the grocery shop, cooked and cleaned the house you were not a man. This is in my PARENTS' lifetime.
In some society's women do all the work and men sit about all day. In other society's women are not allowed out of the house unchaperoned while only men are allowed to speak to strangers in public.
Yet in other societies, both sexes have fairly equal and same roles.
Today, for many activities, we don't even bat an eyelid about is accepted as our identity. Gender norms are dissolving, and for me this is a good thing. It means that people can choose to be who they believe they are.
(There is a massive debate about sport and gender. I don't actually care for competitive sport which is a waste of time as far as I'm concerned, so I don't really engage in that entire debate. In many ways, I think that like the military, dictatorships, slavery, the Forbes 500 - it is not a victory that more women are co-opted into the horrors of the world. I would much rather women said we are not taking part in this nonsense. Sure do sport, by all means, but doing to in an unhealthy competitive manner, why - treat your body with dignity and respect. And you can heave healthy competition and mixed teams, etc...Anyway this is not my debate)
But what I was trying to say in a very roundabout way, we are all non-binary if we are living our best lives. We can pick and choose and learn and borrow from all that the human experience can offer and I for one am so grateful that these options are being made possible for this generation. Inclusivity - yes, please. sign me up.
Yesterday Ghin and I were talking about how some parents pushed their children into a different 'gender' from which they had been born - perhaps even different sex. Saying to them they were born into the wrong sex. I said, well this has existed since the beginning of time. People can carry all kinds of history. Like some people longing for boys and only having girls can make their daughters more tomboyish. Others who have only boys and long for girls can feminise their sons. Yet others who wish to control their children, especially mothers who can't bear their sons having another female replacing them as the primary female in their lives will create effeminate sons who can be controlled by them. Sure peranakan women are famous for having sons who are spoilt and helpless. That kind of dimorphism which is unhealthy btw in any time and place is not ok, has always existed. Then there are other parents who want what is best for their child and who defy gender norms - like Hypatia's father, or like the countless parents who have supported their child's ambitions to take up an activity which would have been considered gender crossing - whether it is the theatre, cooking, playing a musical instrument, writing, loving the person which they want to...
Sometimes i think this stupid argument about gender and sexuality happens because people are completely confused about what they are. The who wish for young girls who think they are actual boys or boys which think they are actual physically girls is also lost in the mists of time. I remember when I was nearing the end of tweenage, wishing so hard that I was a boy. I wore trousers all the time, purposely got scrapes on my legs, a kind of self harm, really, and cut my hair short. I remember my boy cousin who loved imitating the naktungs - that was his thing. It was funny. We were trying on different clothes, literally.
It was only when I encountered feminism that I began to understand a bit of that early teenage turbulence. I'm sure it is much worse now, but this is where adults need to be clear in our heads about this.
What's in a pronoun? Dia is he or she in Malay. There is no gendered pronoun. We have a plural for dia, as in they - which is mereka. Well, that's more like them. There is also kamu - also non gendered. I am just sick and tired a bit a bored about all the really simplistic and idiotic argument about gender.
But now it has been brought to my door, I have to be very clear about where I stand.
Gender is a moveable feast and it is something which we need to get used to. It is what has happened for all of time. It is more the norm than the fixed genders of the recent past. I for one am glad this has happened. As a woman living in the 21st century, I simply cannot imagine what my life could have been like. Being able and free to create my own destiny here... that is everything.
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