Self actualisation and narcissism

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/characteristics-of-self-actualized-people-2795963

I was listening to this interview on narcissism. I do not like labeling people things. I hate it. SO i have used the n-word not at all. I will say wow! that's so interesting to people who share their own horror stories with me, to say, there certainly is a type, they seem to have gone to the same school, etc etc but really, I don't like thinking about the negative. There are SOME things though which when I did listen to previous characteristics of people who are narcissists, that I think, so I was right. I was right when I said, you will only ever become better when you realise your own value. That probably hurt. I was stupid to try and have conversations to effect breakthroughs. Do not argue with these people - they will fight dirty and hard and you will always lose because you will not go to the places which they go to. I may have done it once or twice gone to that place - probably in the middle stages, but I stopped doing it because it felt awful.

In the end I just stopped talking - stopped speaking - because they stopped speaking. The passive aggressive thing - I had had enough. The outbursts, even for the simplest of requests. When I look back I think I must have been mad to stay in it for such a long time. It was never meant to be such hard work. But of course I was away from family, and I was stubborn. I also did not want to return to Singapore to face humiliation and admit to having failed. So I just KEPT AT IT. And of course, I did it for the boys.

For Oisin, I made the mistake of thinking they could do this half and half. The first time it was their turn to look after Oisin when he was probably around 6 years old, Ghin was still a baby, they sent him to stay with a friend. I remember that. Calling up to say I'd love to chat with Oisin to say they aren't here. 

With Ghin, I did not even bother trying to get them to do half of it. I just agreed I would do it all. And I was teaching in the school when Ghin started KG, so that was great. What I lost out in money, I gained in time. 

BUT anyway, the point is, I am not trying to talk about narcissism... I am trying to talk about self-actualisation. A thing which I have always tried to do, since well, forever I think.

I also think that there is a massive difference between self-actualisation if you are a conservative and if you are a radical. Radical self-actualisation is a lot harder because you kick against convention. Conservative self-actualisation - well, it is about not threatening the status quo. And I also think that depending on your temperament, self-actualisation can look different. 

Here is a list from the article:

1. Have peak experiences

2. Continuous sense of appreciation

3. Acceptance

4. Realistic

5. Problem-centred

6. Independent

7. Value privacy

8. Philosophical sense of humour

9. Spontaneous

10. Have a sense of purpose

11. Focus on the journey, not the destination

I am working on all these things. Anyway, it does not matter if I ever become self-actualised... the point is that, like most good ideas, it is not succeeding, it is about trying - and having fun while you are trying it. You really can't go wrong.

I think one thing I do have to work on though is accepting people who are do made me boil. I have to really. The insecure show offs. They are the absolute worst, but I do need to stop and try to accept them. They exist. I wonder what under girds the thinking of a show off? Why do they need to do that? To boast? It was clearly learnt in childhood. The boasting.

So it is not their fault.

One thing the interview did say about narcissists is that there is no need to punish them. They have punished themselves enough already. Actually I don't care whether they are in hell or not. What matters is that I am not there with them.

Someone recently said that really annoyed her was that these men have gotten away with it and they are happy. I said, do you really think they are happy? No, they can never be happy. There is a deep part of themselves which not only cannot be happy but cannot see anyone else happy - especially if that person is someone dependent upon them. So, yeah, knock yourself out with whatever you want to. No, never happy. 

And tbh, no longer my business. I tried so hard to fix the puppy - the puppy not the person but the relationship - and it was not humanly possible to do more than I did. I can look at my face in the mirror and say that to myself. I tried - and the second time round, the condition of trying was that I was not going to betray myself in the process. And of course that was not ok. That was not getting to the good stuff. 

I was talking to another friend about relationships and I said, tbh, when I think about relationships, I am so fecking tired of them. Also I know for a fact, that not only do I not want to fall head over heels in love again, but that I know I am not capable of doing so any longer. I just don't need that to happen anymore. It is almost certainly the bestest feeling in the whole entire world when you have it, but it cannot last. And that is not sad. If you are in a relationship with a mature person, that transitions into someone supportive and settled, but at this age, there is no way you are going to find a supportive and settled man - maybe if their wife has passed away, but by and large anyone left is going to need fixing and I am not doing fixing. I am TAPPED OUT. I have male friends whom I love and adore, and that is more than enough for me. I am content to hang out with them now and then, and have great convo with them, but that's it.

Relationships with another partner is really not a priority at all. Right now it is all about doing the things which I love. Things which mean things to me... small things - usually small things. They do not waste your time. The small things...