Yesterday...

 Yesterday Ghin told me many lovely things. First he said, I love hanging out with you. It is so chilled. Then he told me, you could very easily pass off as a 28 year old... which was quite astonishing to hear... which also made me ask him, er, what do you want? To which re plied, nothing, I'm just saying it sound completely nuts that you look so young. Then he told me that the people whom he works with said to him that I always dress really nicely - and you look so cool, he told me. All of these things are excellent right? That I have a son who is sweet and respectful and kind and thoughtful to me bodes well for how he behaves with other people I think. He also told me that he bought someone an RKelly LP in the charity shop called In the Closet which was very funny as well.

The boys give me a hard enough time sometimes anyway, so it is nice to know it cuts both ways. 

But here I am walking with my son down the path to Botanic Gardens... I said do you remember going to the graveyard tour in Botanic one Halloween? Do you remember one summer we literally smelt every rose in the Botanic Rose Garden? Do you remember playing on the green in Botanic... we walked around the Tropical Ravine and talked about how it reminded us of Singapore. I talked about the plants we found there and how they were found in Singapore. These plants were not exotic to me, they were familiar. It was not like entering a foreign place, but it was home.

We drank our bubble tea and Ghin ate a Hong Kong pancake which he clearly overdid. It was sweet and a lot and not much else. He was quite ill by the end of it all. We talked about everything - from the number of churches on the Newtonards Road to the birdsong we could hear as we walked about. Spending a day with Ghin, like spending a day with Oisin is never hard work.

I did not have as good a relationship with my parents when I was in my late teens and early twenties... after that I left Singapore and it only ever got better after I had children myself and understood the sacrifices they made.

The education system for a start, utterly dysfunctional and toxic, with false parameters and horrific in built outcomes was - I mean who thinks of a system like that? The British gave it to us and we just swallowed it. The Imperial exam system was never meant for children and it was only meant for people who wanted to enter the service of the emperor. People only took exams if they wanted to serve the court and it was the memorisation of Confucius Analects - and a fat lot of good it did for them. Despite the regurgitation of this treatise of how not to be corrupt it became one of the most corrupt governments in the world - possibly the history of the world. 

Not only did it enslave women and cause starvation in the countryside, prop up a weak and pliant monarchy, it also practised all kinds of barbarity and torture. So do exams work? I'd say not. Culture and beauty emerges anyway - inspite of that kind of education I'd say. Instead of giving children the best of in our world, in our lives, in our culture through education, we end up having to create this nightmare where outdated and coercive streams are maintained.

It is literally self-harm. Literally. 

I was speaking to Ghin about epigenetics - he asked me if certain people just had very low metabolism, and I said, yes. Well interestingly, these researchers did this study in Sweden on people who had endured famine there and they discovered that within a single generation, the gene for surviving famines was passed down immediately. Think about what kind of harm is created after years and years of rote learning? Years and years of being broken? Conversely think of what centuries of thinking you are superior to everyone else - as in the case of the Brits - results in? This society breakdown is what it results in. 

I love my blog... recently I was informed that a post - didn't tell me which post - had been hidden as it violated community guidelines. My teeny-tiny blog that no one reads. Censorship is the worst - instead of self-regulation we have repression. 

Last week, this time last week, the moon was full. It was a very very long week. Thus far I have only managed to carry myself to Wednesday before I a completely exhausted - last week was a million times worse. I was utterly gone by the time I finished Monday. I was so tired that I ended up hitting the sack before 8.30... 

I do find my energies, including my thinking energies seriously compromised since Covid. I don't know if it is because of a Covid thing, lockdown thing, age thing, drink thing, too much Netflix thing - not sure what, but it is not good. All I know is that I am starting to forget what I have eaten and then end up wondering why I am not hungry. So i am going to just plan my eating because I cannot remember what I have and when I have eaten. It is very concerning.

It is really important. I can also see people my age slightly unravelling... they are either unravelling because they mostly think that life has passed them by. It is kinda mad. I was talking to a colleague saying that the High Court date having been set, it does mean that I am asking for half the pension as I had none of my own since I took care of the boys - I spent holidays with them, I paid for the school fees, I was the main caretaker - and she told me that she too had practically no pension and if she ever did split from her husband, she would be left with very little. It is typical for women - and I am not an exception and for decades I was made to feel like an arse. Not to mention all the microbullying that took place. No wonder, no fecking wonder eh. No wonder I am so angry and so fed up and I feel so hard done by.

But, and this is very important, I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I create my own story and I bring my own story to the mix. I bring it. I make it. I am strong and wonderful and determined. I am me. And part of this blog has been to remind myself about that daily.

So I should write it daily. I feel immeasureably so much better when I write it. 

To Atlantis again.

There is something odd taking place around Atlantis... it is slowly fading. Perhaps this is a good thing. It means that it is no longer screaming at me, but I am able to modulate and moderate it better. The blog and the journalling are all part of the writing discipline - ALSO, hey - it is a super short week!!! Yay! I really CANNOT wait. Finally, one last thing...

Ghin asked me, do people get jealous? I said, people are jealous all the time, but what can you do Ghin? I never believed it, but I think that is the case... He also asked me, when people talk about their relationships, do you ever get bored? I said - yes. I never talk about my relationships - except about your dad. Then I said, oh my god, I am so glad it is all over...remember how he would get so angry when he was in the toilet for ages when I asked him to leave it? So many awful times.

Oh yes, Atlantis... I forgot.

Right back to Atlantis. I write everyday... I also bought sticky notes. Instead of watching stupid things on TV now, I am either reading, playing the piano, sleeping or writing. Or running. There are a million other things to do apart from watching TV - or cleaning the house or gardening. I cleaned the house yesterday. It felt so awesome. Right. Here we go now...