That streak...

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I have noticed lately that I have this streak of real anger and bitterness which emerges when I can't contain myself any longer. It is something which has troubled me lately - I know it has to do with me holding in a lot of what I really think and feel. It's like I have a vault and when the lid is lifted stuff comes out.

Now this seems quite normal I guess, but recently it has made me think about my dad - whom I love dearly, but in his old age, he has become more and more angry - and argumentative, and not just not suffering fools lately, but also being actively, unintentionally, really horrible to people.

When he is in that state, he reminds me of that part of myself. So I have decided that my next quest for self improvement is to lose this streak or if I end up getting very old and very forgetful, I may end up being unbearable. And I really do not want to do that.

So now that I have named it, I think that the actual cauterising of it is going to be quite simple: whenever I feel this rising in me, I acknowledge it and put it away. It is I really feel the last of the battles I do - the last bit of the angel or demon wrestling which I must do in order to be a better person.

Also in actual fact it is quite easy. Over the past ten years, certainly over the past three to four years, I have been on the path to getting divorced and I am really no longer having to deal with the stress and awfulness of being in a broken relationship. It is also coming to an end and I really cannot wait.

Being more or less free to live my life and living sort of my best life, I have done a lot of healing and working through stuff. Also I have taken a lot of responsibility for my feelings and behaviours and so, this is me - the last of me. Everything else that remains cannot be blamed on someone. I really must sort things out for myself and I think I am almost there.

And I now have a mativation - not becoming like my father in my old age. I love him but this part of him, it is really hard for my mother. 

In the meantime though...

I had such an incredible 2023 and it really only began in February and it is just mental. Here it is on the elements website. My next task will be to free up space.

https://elementsschool.net/2023/03/11/updates/

I feel so so lucky really...

Right - more planning. Looks like I am staying home tonight as Ghin is having dinner with friends. I am so glad that he is having the time of his life.

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