Mother's Day 2023
When I started I was 36 - now I am 52. That's a whole entire decade and then some. It is weird thinking of myself as a mother. When the boys came along the weight of responsibility was so immense that I just decided that for the next however many years I had - I would dedicate it to them. I didn't know what those years would bring, but I would give it to them wholly and entirely.
Little did I know that I would effectively be not just a full time working mother, but to all intents and purposes, more or less and single mom. Not financially - we shared some things like mortgage and utilities and food - but time wise - I was the one who was there for the boys. All the time. I would be the constant in the lives of these boys.
And so I would commit every moment to my memory and there have been so many many moments. The blogs only depict a tiny part of them, but I am glad I have the blog. I have the blog to return to, to show that I wasn't hallucinating - that yes, we spent all those moments. Night feeds, making bread, taking walks, cooking and feeding, every doing the laundry. It is all there. And now, they are 22 and 16 and slowly the fork in the road approaches. For Oisin it is already come and gone. He is on his way and I have no doubt that whatever happens to him, he will be alright. I never wanted that Tiger Mother model of education and bringing ME joy through acheivements, instead the joy I had was the every moment we had with each other. Seeing him jumping on breakers, watching him play the piano with such intensity, his delight in drawing, and most of all his laughter. His depth of consideration. His insistence that this is the life he will live. I bring all that to bear.
With Ghin, younger, closer - I always tell them I regret not being able to give them a close family with the cousins I grew up with and that deep play. But I did the next best thing - find them friends who would be good family to them. And so it goes. My sons did not want for the love which close family bonds give - the tendrils that support you until you become who you are...
Over the past week, since Wednesday we have been to Belfast - gone to Botanic, Royal Avenue, walked past Queens, laughed and discussed everything. I have a feeling in those walks we are slowly saying hello to his adulthood and goodbye to his youth. Slowly we are leaving things behind and entering new doors. To be doing this... I am so grateful.
I am also deeply deeply grateful to see a conclusion to this life's work, as it were. I am leaving this chapter finished. The next chapter, I will stick round for as long as I can, but it is a different chapter. I am not vaingloriously clinging on to some lost past - trying to relive a motherhood or a fatherhood in the case of some people which I missed. No. I have done it. I completed it. I get the points - which are these amazing children.
What happens next is up to them. I did do my best, absolutely. If it wasn't enough, I am sorry.
But that is all I had to give. All I was capable of, and I know that. There are no regrets - not very bog ones.
My mother said that Michelle Yeoh said that she couldn't have children. So what, I thought. Despite me loving my sons, good for her - good for Michelle Yeoh. My mother, as much as I love her, cannot seem to be happy for people who are not directly connected to her... it is a weird affliction. Anyway - that is is thing. Let it not be mine. But not having children is also great. My friends who did not have children, and I know so many Singaporean women who did not - have done amazing things as well. I am so proud of them. Having children is only one string to a bow. I said to my mom, I know it must feel difficult when you are in your 30s and 40s for some women when they don't have kids, but honestly, by the time you reach your 50s, it is pretty much leveled out. Having children is wonderful, but it is not the be all and end all of existence. I would never be without my sons - but now that they are grown... someone said recently to me that I now am at the other end - you now have empty nest - and I said woop woop... I was one of those women who CLEARLY remembered what I did when I didn't have kids and man I REALLY enjoyed that. I also enjoyed the boys - but I also remember what I missed...
So as I look back, annually on this day - I think of everything which has taken place over the last 22 years. Well, not everything, but quite a lot. I feel so incredibly grateful and also filled with grief. The future is unknown. If I am still around in the next 22 years, I will be 75 years old. That is definitely old.
In a way I look forward to that time - between now and then... Between this and that... the end that will eventually come... and be filled with anticipation - and coffee... and the rich tapestry of life which I was, am and will be part of.
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