Being the age

The most annoying thing about getting old is the body just being unable to keep up. When I say keep up I mean - I guess I mean - how active I used to be and how now, well... it is a little bit like when I was pregnant and your body then ended up saying no - not doing this. Except that now, it is just a constant. Well not a constant - but like for instance, for a long time now I have been afraid of going down mountains and slopes. I know this can be overcome if I put in lots of physical work - I think that would be ok, but between the job and the other job, I am completely exhausted.

Of course too much screen time does not help either. Although this weekend I was so exhausted.

Someone gave me this - delivered it to my door - it may have even been Dearbla herself

Thankfully I am not SO EXHAUSTED because I have a toddler. I cannot even imagine that. Yesterday I showed Emma the Amy Poehler and Tina Fey sketch of the 'Meet your second wife' game show sketch. It is hilarious because it is so gross and so true. 

I said to Emma yesterday that I am SO GLAD that I have done what I have done. That I have left it all behind and I am now free. Yes the shame and the failure and the realisation that it was a blackhole into which I poured part of my life... BUT now here I stand - free - freed of it all. And the weirdness of him moving into the front of the school - unable to let it go, just wanting to rub it in my face - just the difficulty which he has made for all of us and thinking, yet still thinking - that he was the victim. Yes, in a way he IS the victim. Look at the state of you as they say. Having a child at the age of 61 - the supreme selfishness of it. I cannot even.

But everyone else can see that now. I do not think I know ANYONE in REAL LIFE who has had children at that age. No, really. Most men do that in their early 40s - start over again with a woman 20 years younger than they are. But this - this is next level WTF. It was like that time when he put petrol in the car and said the car was spoiled. It turned out that he had put petrol in it and thankfully he never puts anything more than a tenner or something stupid like that. All I had to do was top it up with diesel and when I came back and said to him that he had put diesel in and he said nothing. No, OMG, how foolish of me. Or oh dear, sorry about that. Nothing. From him I learnt that men or this class or men - never apologised for anything which they did. I am SO GLAD i am out from other that.

But that was when I realised, that made it so clear, that this is a person who would never accept responsibility for anything which they did. Nope. And I will forever, forever remember that moment. He could not bear it, could not bear it, that I had figured it out. Every success, every victory I had was a stab in the heart for him. I came back after I was on some stupid BBC show and he was crushed that I had done so well. He said, devastated, you will be some politician one day. He could not bear it. Even now, I don't understand it.