#250 - 258: Congratulations, you are getting divorced

So you are getting divorced! Congratulations! It was not easy for you to come to this decision. Perhaps you took many years to get here, perhaps it was very clear after a few months. Perhaps it was both! Whatever it is, give yourself a big pat on the back. You made it and you have survived and you are in tact. You are moving on. 

Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones - and there are many out there. The lucky ones for whom divorce is going to be very straightforward. You many not have very much to divvy up in which case you can happily go your separate ways. Perhaps it was an amicable decision and there is even a celebration in the two of you starting a new life on your own. Wonderful. To everyone who has had a good divorce, I want to say I totally envy you but also, yes, well done. Well done. More evolved than the rest of us who are now stuck in this mess. 

The Messy Divorce can have all kinds of colour and texture, but it is OK. You will get through is in the end. IT WILL BE FINE. You Got This.

Usually the Messy Divorce takes place because neither party can agree on what the other one wants. If there has been one party which has been unusually greedy throughout the relationship and essentially used you - be it your time, money, goodwill, benefit of the doubt, taken you for granted, been appallingly disrespectful, completely unaccountable - and never really evolved - because of course as you get used to each other hopefully you knock the sides off each other and you grow into each other... but usually you will probably have gotten divorced because this never took place. Finally you are standing up for yourself and can't be living in this situation any longer, but the dynamic is still the same. That is the good news. The bad news is do not expect that party to roll over and play dead. Let me break it down for you - you are now going to have to fight every step of the way. Get prepared. This is probably why you put getting divorced off for so long in the first place - you knew it was going to be hell.

You can also be sure that the Greedy Party will insist that everything goes their way and when you stand your ground, when you place boundaries - mostly saying no, that is not going to happen - the Crazy will start. When it does, here is what you will need to do.

1. Surround yourself with good friends. People who have your back. They will probably be friends who have walked with you every step of the way and know what you are worth. They are friends who have accepted your warts and all and have probably been there for you when you tried multiple times to jump ship. And they are going to be there for you no matter what. Friends and/or family. They will 100% have your back.

2. Keep moving constantly despite all obstacles which will be placed in your way. Expect there to be all kinds of excuses from a new surprise family which is moved into your matrimonial home without your permission to all kinds of reasons to delay the sale of anything. This is all smoke from a blow hard. Ignore all of this and just keep going. 

3. Have a lawyer who has your back - see point 2. Word of mouth is good for finding a good lawyer.

4. Except them to bring the crazy. Your marriage was unfathomable why should your divorce be any different? When the crazy begins, just sit back and bring popcorn to your own life. You have to keep a sense of humour about you. 

5. Maintain your integrity. The crazy is about trying to break you down. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Think about the most dignified, most discreet person that you know and model yourself on their behaviour. This means your composure is not broken which drives them insane. Eyes on the prize - and your prize is freedom. If you need to vent or let loose, your friends will have your back and you can breathe out with them. The more friends the better - they are blast shields - both inside and out. Let them be there for you. Throw a party to thank them at the end of this. Ignore the Crazy just set the course and keep sailing. 

6. Do not sell yourself short. Do not be a pushover. You have been a pushover your entire life giving said party the benefit of the doubt. Stand your ground. This is your time. Do not under any circumstance be a victim. You are not a victim - you are the captain of your ship.

7. Do not mistake kindness and wanting to be on good terms finally after all these years as an extension to a real relationship. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist (if you are having a messy divorce with baffling twists and turns you probably are - or they are mentally unwell whatever it is it is not your responsibility anymore), do not expect that behaviour to change during the divorce. Being expected to be friends with someone who has taken advantage of you for years is a form of abuse. Strengthen your defenses. Watch how quick they will turn on a dime when you respectfully decline their overtures. Know always that they are in it for themselves and will take every pound of flesh and drop of blood they can from you and that being nice is all about getting what they want. Do not be suckered.

8. Have a meaningful life - maybe you have a job you can throw yourself into, a new project, exercise, learn how to cook new food, take up a new hobby which sees you getting fitter and stronger, learn a new skill. Whatever it is do not use the mess to end up on Skid Row ie getting into inappropriate relationships, checking out, etc. Keep your centre of balance. Stay in the game. Also, I know easier said than done. There are groups out there you can turn to for support.

9. Finally, and most importantly, do not emotionally blackmail your children, do not slag off the other party to them. Where your friends are your blast shield, if you have children, you are theirs.  Whatever you do, maintain your dignity and composure. It is easier said than done. The temptation to vent to them is great and you may have done it once or twice - try not to. Stop if you have started. Apologise to them if they are old enough. This is important. 

Finally know this will all end one day and you made the right decision. Go every step of the way and see yourself out the door. You are a star. You are not alone. We have all walked or are walking this path with you. Take care of yourself and everything else will take care of itself.