A New Year at 52

I am now 52. I don't even know what that means! I was saying to Ma today that as I get older I realise two things - that if you do not have them, they aren't SUCH big deals - a relationship and children. Don't get me wrong, if you have them and they are bringing you joy, or even not joy, that's great. But not having them - at this age - one can take it or leave it.

I said to Ma that Emma had asked me if I ever did get lonely. I said, I don't REALLY get lonely because my job is the opposite of lonely. It is full on, full throttle. And truth be told my then partner was so unsupportive that I might as well have been alone - so that in fact it felt lonelier. Then physical intimacy, also not a guaranteed thing in a relationship. And to start something new - well - all the strings that those things come attached with... the maintenance that goes into that. For the sake of saying I have a relationship? Finally one night stands are awful. I can't do them. They are meaningless and a betrayal of my own body. I could never do that - ever again. Never. I know what I did and I don't and won't ever want to do those again.

Besides, I have done relationships - all kinds - and I have kids of my own and other peoples, and finally, also, like travelling - I did all those things when I was young. I had opportunities and I didn't put them off. I did the crazy when I was young and now - I look around and the people who never did the crazy, they are like so this is it? That's it? 

Not all of them. Some people who have wonderful relationships, glowing growing relationships, and they are wonderful and rare, lucky you. Cherish them. For people who are in relationships that have taken every ounce of your fibre of being, good for you, keep at it. But for me - I tried, I absolutely tried my very best and my best was not good enough and that's GOTTA be good enough for me. THANKFUCK I am not doing any of that crap anymore. Instead, here I am - recovering. And with each day, I get stronger and better.

This blog is now 16 years old. A 16 year old chronology of my life. The adventures I have had. The heartache and the tears. The delight and the pleasure. The life beyond measure, It is all here. I am here. I am thoroughly ALIVE. And that is all anyone can ask for. On this wonderful planet. With each passing year I am more and more grateful for all that. 

It is kinda inexplicable.

When I was younger - say in my 20s, I was filled with anger at the stupidity of people. It seemed really strange to me that people could not see what the consequences of their actions were. Of course 30 years later, the chickens are coming home to roost and it does seem all too late to stop things. So I am now of the opinion that it is now too late to stop anything and it will now have to play itself out to the logical conclusion. The time to have done something about it has now past, someone can try and do something about it. I have generally lived quite a small life, I have not contributed to the hot mess as in I did not facilitate it and get rewarded for doing so for longer than I had to - I now have the pleasure of saying I am not an enabler - although this is cold comfort for the reality of the state of the world - and now I just try and affect things personally. Politics is so corrupt and complicated and pointless - and purposely so. As someone once said that if voting made a difference, it would be illegal. 

Voting now, democracy now, is little more than an illusion. A fig leaf. It needn't have always been that way - that's what I mean by it will just have to play itself out. Maybe these idiot politicians will have a Damascene moment, but maybe not.

And I ain't waiting.

But here we are, my 52nd birthday and I don't mind. In fact I mind less and less. I am now free. I have divested myself of most of my responsibilities - apart from Ghin - and here I am able to do what I need to. What I want to. Right then - some promotion, some thinking... lots of thinking. I did say to Emma that we'd go for a walk sometime over the course of the holidays. Time passes so so swiftly. I always wonder to myself, say if I died today, would I have made my peace with the world? I would say, absolutely. Absolutely.