#245 - 257: Let it slide

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Everything is now in one place. My life which had been spread over two places is now in one place. It feels good. I can now spend the rest of my life shaping my life again. It has never felt better.

I also feel better now that I understand the motivations behind it. I understand now the reason it was done and the cynical - always cynical - behaviour which has motivated him. It is fine. I think about the late 90s when I arrived. Derry was still very much - in fact it still very much is - a city which had never recovered from the Troubles. It derives so much of its being from the Troubles. In many ways it is a remarkable place and I love it very much. But - that was always coming - the entitlement to this pain, that is what characterises so many there. Like no one has suffered as much as they have suffered and everyone is to blame. The victimisation and refusal to take responsibility for any of the behaviour to blame it on someone else - it could be the British Army, it could be the Loyalists, it could be just anyone - that is their default behaviour. So it should be no surprise that it would seep into the lives of the citizens of Derry as well. 

Well this one particular citizen. Which I have had the crazy to know.

I see it now. So I feel... so much more settled. Everyone is the cause of their own fuck ups. I know that I was not the cause of the fuck ups - I had my own fuck up to settle - and tried my very best keeping body and soul together. All of that was fucking hard enough nevermind trying to play pin the blame on someone else. I get it now. I see it. I understand it. And so I am no longer troubled by it because it is par of course AND on top of all that, it is NOT TRUE. 

It is just the crazy getting crazier, that is all it is.

And there ain't nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. I am just gonna have to keep on trucking. There is no point in trying to address all of that shit. Now that I understand what it is all about.

The only things I have ever cared about have been the boys and I will always be here for them. I cannot walk that road for them. Sadly, they will have to find out about the constant disappointments which will ensure. I have shielded them and cleaned up the mess for most of the time, but now, they are of an age where they can choose and so there isn't anything I can do except be there should they ever need me to be there 100%.

I am the happiest I have been in ages and nothing is going to stop me from feeling anything other than my freedom and happiness. All of the saying he will do this and that - well, that is just the refusal to let go of the supply. But I am now wise to that. Everytime we move a little further the temper tantrum gets worse and worse. The threats and the stalling gets worse and worse. And I can only except it to get worse. The insistence that I be nice, be friends, forgive all that ... for a start, forgiveness is overrated. I can get on perfect with my life without forgiving anyone. Yeah. I can do that. Secondly, the insistence that I be friends with a person who for the last 25 years has more or less treated me like shite and deceived me, has acted in bad faith and shouted at me while now trying to undermine me... it is like asking someone who has been abused to be nice to their abuser. No. I don't think so. I was so right not to fall for the act. It is just typical that when they don't get what they want they behave like assholes. I am so relieved that I have stood firm. In other words that I have learnt my lesson. Lessons. 

Even my piano stool that was used as a coffee table and then an ironing board... even that... the hinge on the table had come off. Leaving a condom in my bedroom amongst the things I was to pick up. Even that. Even all of that. Just the small revolting touches which say yeah, I care enough to be a dick right through to the end. Magic. I am so so so glad that I never fell for any of that. 

But Lianne is right. Do not have the loop out. Just let it slide. Let it slide as the penguin in Fight Club said. And sliding is what I am doing now. 

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