#238 - 248

It is so difficult now admitting doubt and mistakes. In the shiny fake world of social media it is not longer the stiff upper lip but the rabid manic botoxed one. The no wrinkles. The face for the camera. No longer are we a mobile living being but a Max Headroom bot which is supposed to give some kind of number out happy vibe which tells people who they have to aspire to. I want to give up. I'm done for.

The entire Covid debate is now becoming even more polarised. As we move through the metal states of anguish and annoyance, fear and anger, we now arrive at... madness. Here we are, at madness. I'm hoping it does all blow over soon. Just standing firm. The cracks are beginning to show in the establishment's facade. The first being the JCVI saying that children between 12 and 15 are not recommended to get the vaccine. Now the media are putting intense pressure for the decision to be changed. All objectivity has fallen through the floor. How can they be so sure that's what I want to know. How can anyone be so sure?

I can only try my best. And if that's not good enough then you know it wasn't good enough.

It has been nearly a year since we started with Forest School. A whole year. 

I have had a great success of it really. We have had it. I plan to keep going for as long as I can. The school has turned a corner and it has been wonderful to see it start to grow again. Once more nothing can come of anything in the world riddled with compromise. So we have had to compromise and we are pressing ahead. We are moving into a new era and hopefully we will be taking people along with us.

Broken. I feel, for the first time properly broken. I do not know if that is good or bad. 

I am fasting for the next three days. I certainly have not put anything on in the last two - and perhaps shed a couple of pounds even. Oddly enough the AI has not mentioned anything about this in my newsfeed. If I keep putting this into my blog perhaps it will permanent do that. Not mention anything. But the whole point is that I feel fitter and more trim. The having to interact with people again is tough. But that is the deal. People are tough. So fasting for the next three days. I don't know what I will have for dinner. Maybe just soup or something. The boys... can have lentil soup. I also need to clean out the fridge and do the bins. 

We have brought almost everything over. Sometimes we do not make choices, we have choices made for us and then it is painful. It is terrible. I began crying when I say my suitcases from Singapore and when I thought of the boys playing in the front of the house. Well, that was not my choice to leave all that behind. That was his. It was Peter's choice and I had no say in it. Well I would have but it would have been an abusive experience. Indeed it was abusive. I was being abused, there is no doubt about that. It is also humiliating to admit that I was being abused, being an advocate of feminism and all that. But that is how it goes. Perhaps one day I will write down how it happened. 

It is now clear what a shit show he is for the entire world to see. But Jonathan said something very important. That i should not fall into the hubris of feeling superior to Peter because of the mess which he is. He is right. It is hard not to feel that though - partly because of the vindication, partly because of the pain, partly because of the yeah - the rubbernecking soap opera nature of the entire thing. 

But I must just keep my gaze focused. Lianne gave this really good metaphor - she said it is like Velcro. There is a hook and the loop. The hook only works when there is a loop. When they have detected a loop they will sink their hook in. Do not give them a loop. When they have found it, make it disappear. It is true. Then she said, he is giving you Master level training. Take it as that. Extreme Detachment. So true. All true. There are somethings where detachment will work. This is one of them. There are somethings where detachment is toxic. But in this case, it is wonderful, it is liberation, literally. And that's what I will need to focus on.

Well I guess that's enough emoting on a page. I just find it so hard to get going after the entire Covid thing. I feel like I don't know which direction to turn in. Like all bearings have been lost. But clearly they are not. I love my class though and everything we do is amazing. So that is good. I need to get my head space right now and figure out what is wrong with my head. The entire sale of house thing is now well on its way and that is also doing my head in. So many things at the same time.