#189.21 - Organise!

I have noticed that over the past months I have left a week between my posts. Then I post about three times in a day... to catch up and these posts have been completely distracted. Perhaps it was the summer. Perhaps it has been this year. Perhaps it is ennui. Perhaps it is old age. I am uncertain. Whatever it is, it has been very difficult to write. Very difficult to pin things down. 

Over the past few months I have become a bit distressed with the state of the world and the nonsensical writing in it. I have been especially annoyed at the rubbish which these people who vlog or whatever it is called do. They are just filling the planet with crap - high level amounts of crap and for what? It is beyond depressing. 

I think as a result, this blog is very different contextually from when I first began it. It is amazing how it has taken only 15 years from something which was innocent and well regulated - self regulated - to become a terrible scourge. Perhaps that has been my reluctance to post things.

I woke up today to clean the bedroom. It is a really really nice bedroom. I'd definitely come here more often. With or without the boys. Just the peace and quiet. I could spend like a night here by myself. Or two. Walking and just writing. Enjoying this room and the silence. I know I lead a privileged life. Well reasonably privileged. Like a modest privilege. It is what you want really. Not the ostentation, over the topness, the compensation for the yawp of emptiness inside you. I was watching the video which Paris Hilton was doing of her night time skin routine and felt so sorry for this woman. As time goes by these efforts will become more and more frenetic and she would have spent years and years trying to look like she is 16. And that is all she will have to show for her life. Weirdly that is what people want. There is a pleasure which is taken at the efforts which she makes, to see her suffer and worry so much about her mortality. The contortions which people who suffer and worry about their mortality go through... whether it is building a space rocket or vibrating your face with gloop or slathering it with 'diamond dust'... secretly we are all laughing at them and hating ourselves as we do that. 

I am now surrounded by people who are undergoing one form of midlife crises or another. I do not understand it. People who splurge gigantic amounts of money on things which they want to have something to show for or people who worry about their looks - or even both. To be content is something which we cannot have. I do sometimes worry too much about my own contentment. 

So, organise, that was what this was about... 

When I look back on my life there are several watersheds. The latest one took place probably at the end of 2019. When I literally felt my entire being transform. I felt all of myself just enter my menopause, m crone years. But it was also very exciting. I moved from the journey over open water to come back to a harbour and then to continue the journey... the best image I have is of the hill - it wasn't quite a mountain, but a beautiful garden on a hill towards the tree of life... or death? or knowledge? I walked through a very familiar fishing village on a hill, past this, and then towards this place. The Covid struck. It really upset the apple cart there.

Then everything I knew changed. Most especially how people were polarised. I was stuck in the middle. It is a lonely place to be. But perhaps I should return to that image. That journey I was making. We have all had a rude awakening.

A terrifying awakening.

It was the wrong one. Because it made us insane. It was like the wrong reaction to the madness of the state of the economy and the world. It really spelt the doom for us.

However, it is what it is. And I must now continue on my journey. I must now return to the path.

The thing is that I know what it is I need to do. There is no question. No question. All I need to do is do them now. That is the nice thing about my life. The main things have already been set in place. The final part of my life, as it were, has been mapped out. If these are the only things I ever do - and they are A LOT - then I will be very happy that I have done them.

THE ROUTINE

For s start... I must return to my routine of 

Getting up early at 4 am to...

Blog

Write

Run and stretch

Get ready for school

School

Forest School

Admin

Irish

Prepare for school

Somewhere there needs to be an artistic thing

Dunno where. When I am teaching that happens naturally. But I must do Gemini, Cancer and Leo. As we have seen I can do these very quickly once I start to do them.

Then there is August.

I have already mapped out August. Traditionally July for the past nine years has been an off month. I cannot remember what happened last July though. We didn't go to Singapore and we didn't stay anywhere else...

August will be busy, yes.

Well, that's me done planning. For today at least. I need to organise the books and the dining area... and make the Games room into an downstairs craft / writing room. Music as well. The piano will be there. There will be shelves. I have enough to do till the end of time essentially.

The boys sleep so very peacefully. If nothing else I look at them and I feel a sense of serenity. Of duty fulfilled. Of deep possibility. Of adventures already completed...it has been wonderful. So wonderful.