#177.21 - When life give you drama, eat popcorn

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When talking to Ma today she said to me, why are you upset? You should be laughing. He is in so much crap and you are free of that.

I was, yes this is true. And at that moment i thought there was schadenfreude before but now it is full blown hysterical laughter. Popcorn level madness. Jerry Springer hilarity. Jeremy Kyle level madness. Rikki Lake. Trash trash trash. And I am out of it. Whew.

Almost out of it. I am going going going gone.

And it feels great. Good. 

And just like that I was free. I was yeah this is true. It is really not my problem anymore. What a fucking jokester. The mess, the hot fucking mess that is his life. And I am no longer part of that crap.

It's great though, to be vindicated completely. To have the entire world see what a dipshit he is. How irresponsible he is. How he doesn't care who he pulls into his vortex of insanity. And I am now free of it. Gone. Of course he still has his hooks in the boys, and I can try to do what I can, but it is up to the boys - i can't protect them anymore.

They are out of my orbit completely in a way. I must just accept and trust and you know truly truly appreciate that everything I did for them up to this point I did with an open and willing and loving heart and I gave utterly.

And I enjoyed it. And fully appreciated what we have had an all the levels.

As I told Ma i'm a bit sick and tired of being the parent that has to hold it together for them. But also I suppose I could take complete satisfaction in it. I have vindicated myself. I said to Ma, I now know why I had to encounter him - it is so that all my sins from previous lives would be absolved. I am now going to be Bodhisattva level when all this is said and done. I am not even joking. Literally. I have now found the path forward.

But I have to give all credit to Ma. She helped me completely. If it wasn't for her I would be still thrashing about. She was the one which went look at the state of him. Just laugh at him. He is no longer your problem. You are home free. And she is completely right.

I am home free.

I am done.

Just one last bit to clean and tidy up. My life is coming together and his life is disintegrating. He is in denial. As usual. Just lives in his own fucking dream world. And now it is clear. He can't be gaslighting nobody now with his irresponsibility. It is there for everyone to see. Well this week I grew up. I grew up a million times. A million million times. And I emerged feeling like I had won for some weird reason. 

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