#299 - Gratitude

Twenty years ago I embarked on a journey to be a mother. With Oisin now in university, it seems that my journey is now partially complete. I remember what it was like having been thrust into motherhood. The gazing into the child's face and the frustrations of exhaustion. Even now, I am exhausted. I will not rail about Peter and how it was mostly myself bringing up the boys. The Earth is my witness. What I will say instead is that they taught me so many lessons which I would have never learned if I had not had them. They taught me about boys, I never understood boys. That taught me how to be patient. They taught me resilience. How to survive. To hold on no matter what. To try my very best. I did try my best. Days and weeks and months and year of giving myself over to them. Walks and trips and adventures. Quiet times of snuggling and reading. Watching TV together. Cooking. Drawing. Crying. Holding them and crying with helplessness and fear. Nursing and hoping. Feeding and cleaning and washing and splashing. Driving. So. Much. Driving. Playdates. Living a life without fear. Being a mother. A woman. An example. Never giving in. 

Such is life.

To hold someone and see them and know that this love is utterly unconditional. I think that is the thing I will be most grateful for. The trust and responsibility. How complete that was - is, still. The deep connection. To know that we knitted that in the cosmos, through the stars. That we brought some of that to the world. We seeded it with the best of ourselves.

And to know that to save the world, that was not good enough. No. But, to fill each other's cups and bowls and plates and hearts - yes, yes that was sufficient. That we did good things by each other.

I used to be interested in the things beyond the veil. I suppose we all are when we are younger. The largest questions. The wonderings. Questions about quantum mechanics, the cosmos, angelic beings, how the world works. These are very pleasant to muse about. Is there a greater plan? Can there be one? Existential questions which you turn about on your palm and work on, like a smooth pebble, a piece of art. I am now no longer interested in those things. Instead, I am now interested in the things in front of the veil. I have done all of that exploring and what have I discovered?

I have discovered that we - I will never know. I have tested it to the limits of my curiousity and I am no longer curious anymore. I have lived, read and seen enough to know. Enough to know a few things. 

Firstly, that I have gathered enough information to make sense of my life, sufficient values by which I will no longer have to torture myself with regards to how I should live my life. The answer to this is Moderation. It seems obvious, but then again, there is a reason it is obvious.

Secondly, the Middle Path is the path for me - now. It was not, I agree. But it is now. There is no need to live life in exaggeration. Doing my best is what is called for. 

Thirdly, Gratitude and Appreciation is more important than being Right. There is a balm, a calmness which is filling my soul as the moon recedes. I have had enough of being an asshole. That asshole.

I am now going to make it my policy to bring only Beauty. Not at a cost to myself, and not at a cost to others, but the same way nature unfolds into beauty - that is what I am doing. Nature is now my teacher over the next few years. Over the next seven years.

This past year, especially, the past two months have been a gargantuan struggle. So much learning and so much endurance. It was the final push, the final bursting into this new part of my life. It was indeed been a Halloween gesture. A new beginning. I can breathe once more, after holding onto the edge of the rocking boat. 

The sun rises a little later everyday. The light fades a little more. There is a silence which wraps itself about us that brings us closer and closer to that mid point of stillness and then things reopen again. Who knows what the coming years will bring? I do know this though... that since humankind was able to inquire, they have asked the same questions over and over again. I know that I have answered them to my satisfaction. I no longer need to prove myself any longer. I am free. Everything else I do after this is done with the knowledge that I do this in freedom. I am no longer tortured nor tormented. It has taken me all of this week to understand that I see - I now see. Clear eyed I see and I no longer have to be bound by my own expectations.

Everything else around me is simply a fractal, an amplification of this Grail quest. I have made it, glimpsed at the Grail, received my satisfaction and an on my homeward journey. I cannot wait. As in I no longer wait. Each moment is filled with gratitude, a cell sealed and bound by honey. Clammy, treasured, golden. There are no longer any questions, looking gift horses in the mouth. It is unquestioned these seconds which fill and drip with wonder. I pull my gaze away from without to work on that which exists within, paradoxically, and I understand the treasure I have. 

On the foundation level, there are no more questions. Beneath here, is the movement of contentment like dreamy blades of kelp weed, silently swaying to unheard music. The future is now the past and also the present and also that which may come. But beneath the waves, time is immutable. 

I did not understand this while I waited. I waited and waited and waited. For the past few months I waited. I disappointed myself, I sought and looked and clambered. Now, now I am here. Another journey's end. There is no more seeking. No more wondering, no more questing. It is now all over. Now, now, I start to live my life.