Thresholding mood swings

Heart chakra

Last night i woke up and began to journal. Actually, the truth i woke up and out of NOWHERE, i felt awful. Really awful. Physically awful but in a mental way. It is like wobbling on your bike and you think you are about to fall off. BUT it is the feeling you get when you wobble on your bike and you think you are about to fall off in your heart. In my heart. It lasted for about 1 second, which was more than enough, when i went, nope this is not going to happen. I tell you horse riding is very good practice for control of thought and feeling. It is as close as i get to understanding the wind horse. If you can ride this beast, then you are good, you are good.

So for about one second, and then i went, nope, this is not happening, and squeezed my left leg, sat up straight, pulled on the outside rein - all mentally of course, by thinking of good things and righted myself. See, easily done.

What has happened though, is that i have now gone further and further into my store of good memories. The most recent store was when i was a child in primary school, we are in the River Valley swimming complex and we are in the changing rooms and i am covered in chlorinated water and we are noisy and shouting and having a great time getting on our uniforms again after the swim. Or eating prata at 3 am in Jalan Kayu, drinking disco teh for the first time, after an AWARE meeting - back in the day when prata in Jalan Kayu was only 40 cents.I am walking on a warm beach by a warm sea with Oisin in Tioman. Or i am sitting at the back of the study carals in RJC, studying from my A levels. It is weird that also with the passage of time things that were awful then, are not awful any more. I survived that and it was good.

This has resulted in an unintended retrospective of my life. But a good unintended retrospective of my life. As i enter the third phase of hag, or crone, or wise woman, i am looking back at the two thirds and going, yeah this was pretty awesome. Even the shitty parts were awesome. What was i so upset about, i ask myself. That was like so great. And the cumulative effect of this, is i have this sense, with the knowledge that the universe has my back and the good in the wonderful people around me, i can just about do anything. But this isn't just bravado, this is REAL. This is me knowing that, given those cards i have been given, i have done just about everything, both good and bad. And boring, and all the parts in between.

The nice thing about this is that ANYONE can do this and use this time of change and transformation to their advantage, instead of dousing yourself in drugs to prevent the mood swings. The mood swings are there fore a reason. They are there as thresholds. Thresholds to help us define our coming into another age. Think of them as doorways - a prolonged initiation into cronehood. A way of looking back at all that has come before and to celebrate it.

So that we can gather up those moments of life with hope and through wisdom, enter a new phase when we are able to help other now on their journey. So i look back on the past year and often during points of it, and kept thinking, when i think back on the first half of 2015, i can say how really blessed and happy i was. There was harmony in my life. Real harmony. There was also a bit of confusion, but i can see that the confusion now was partly because i was walking through that threshold. That transformation is almost at an end.

So welcome this new age, welcome this new time. Welcome this wonderful blossoming and reseeding and regrowth - the reopening of the heart.