The 3 am wake up call
I don't remember when it began happening. But at some stage in the last few years, i began to get up at 3 am and agonise about stuff. Previously when i got up at 3 am i would have done stuff. Cleaned the house, Mostly. But i started to get up at 3 am and beat myself up about things which had gone wrong in my life. I know that to some extent we often choose stuff - even if it is the wrong choice. But the things i were beating myself up about were actually things which were not my responsibility. Which really made it more stupid. And of course what made it MOST stupid was that actually, my life is pretty damn great. Seriously, it is. But i gather this 3 am beat yourself up phenomenon is not unusual. People do this quite regularly. This made me feel a bit better. At least i was not neurotic. Was this a function of age or experience? Or what...
But it made me think as well, actually two nights ago when i was in full spate, how come I have chosen to remember the really bad things, instead of the really good things. I can, at any given time, if i so wished, recall about five hundred great things which have happened to me. Eating baguette and warm brie by a fountain in Versailles. Visiting the Munch Museum in Oslo. The birth of my sons. Waking on a beach in Malaysia, sun setting and the stars coming out. Swimming in a lake in Harapan. Admiring the Stone of Venice. Reading the Stones of Venice...For fuck's sake. Smelling roses ... What is wrong with me, if i recalled all the crap times instead of the great ones. And the most annoying thing about this phenomenon is that i actually make it a habit to clock when i am happy. When i am happy, i say to myself, i must remember this because one day i will need to remember it.
The human condition eh?
I then chatted about this to a friend. We were mosaicing a bench in the school today and i said to him, you know the way some people wake up and think about how crap their life is at 3 am in the morning. Doesn't everyone, he said. Well, why do we do that? Because, that is being human. Well, i reject that. Especially when my life is great.
So this morning when i got up at 3 am i purposely made it a point to think of only good things. Not to block any bad thought which i had out, but really, to change the tune. I am not having any of this shit, i told myself. I have a million great memories and i am going to dust them off and go through them. Then i felt MUCH better and got up after half an hour and began to do journal and make breakfast and write.
The human condition, eh?
But what i then discovered is that as i thought about all the great things which had happened to me... and i also include the small great things, like having a cup of tea with my mom, dinner with friends, Sunday walks in the forest - like what happened today - making the bench with Class Three, gardening, weeding, doing the laundry - yes! - even doing the laundry because it was a sunny day today and it always feels good to do the laundry, folding the clothes while listening to the Archers, dancing at the Black Box... you know, all those things which actually make up 99 per cent of my life, i began to experience this detachment - or rather non attachment - not to these things, but to what happens to me in life - it make me feel that whatever happens i can do this. The good and the bad and the bad and the good. No one ever chooses horrible things to happen to them, of course they don't, but somehow it does - and when this occurs, it is the balance. To walk this balance.
It is not like i am i ignoring the bad stuff. I think ignoring things only leads to repression and acting out. But rather, i am saying, i choose to think about the fantastic things instead. The good things. The things which say thank you universe. Embrace me, wrap themselves around me.
It is is not half bad, the human condition.
I wonder though, if someone is leading a hellish life - if they are being abused, or completely destitute, or if they are going through a very serious illness, or suffered overwhelming loss - can they do this, would it be possible? To extricate yourself from the grip which such sorrow can have on you and say, no i refused to be broken. I choose the happy thoughts, the happy memories, even if it is looking out of a window to see the sky. Even if it is just that.
To say, i must, because i can.
Right it is 5 am and it is time to dry the clothes. And then i will get ready for Ballybay. But to give thanks to everything, for everything. I was not overjoyed or silly happy, but rather, very grateful, appreciative to life. On mornings like this one, where the air is clear and it is warm and the birds are singing, i think of Italy, i think of Rome specifically. Of the days of summer so many years ago i spent interrailing around Europe - the olive studded ciabatta, the proscuitto, the mechanical smell of diesel of the trains, the click-clack of the tracks.
Is it possible to live happily every after? I think so. We can live happily ever after every single day. But now i see that it is a choice. We choose to live happily every after, especially in our thoughts. It is the only place where we can choose to do that. The human condition.
But it made me think as well, actually two nights ago when i was in full spate, how come I have chosen to remember the really bad things, instead of the really good things. I can, at any given time, if i so wished, recall about five hundred great things which have happened to me. Eating baguette and warm brie by a fountain in Versailles. Visiting the Munch Museum in Oslo. The birth of my sons. Waking on a beach in Malaysia, sun setting and the stars coming out. Swimming in a lake in Harapan. Admiring the Stone of Venice. Reading the Stones of Venice...For fuck's sake. Smelling roses ... What is wrong with me, if i recalled all the crap times instead of the great ones. And the most annoying thing about this phenomenon is that i actually make it a habit to clock when i am happy. When i am happy, i say to myself, i must remember this because one day i will need to remember it.
The human condition eh?
I then chatted about this to a friend. We were mosaicing a bench in the school today and i said to him, you know the way some people wake up and think about how crap their life is at 3 am in the morning. Doesn't everyone, he said. Well, why do we do that? Because, that is being human. Well, i reject that. Especially when my life is great.
So this morning when i got up at 3 am i purposely made it a point to think of only good things. Not to block any bad thought which i had out, but really, to change the tune. I am not having any of this shit, i told myself. I have a million great memories and i am going to dust them off and go through them. Then i felt MUCH better and got up after half an hour and began to do journal and make breakfast and write.
The human condition, eh?
But what i then discovered is that as i thought about all the great things which had happened to me... and i also include the small great things, like having a cup of tea with my mom, dinner with friends, Sunday walks in the forest - like what happened today - making the bench with Class Three, gardening, weeding, doing the laundry - yes! - even doing the laundry because it was a sunny day today and it always feels good to do the laundry, folding the clothes while listening to the Archers, dancing at the Black Box... you know, all those things which actually make up 99 per cent of my life, i began to experience this detachment - or rather non attachment - not to these things, but to what happens to me in life - it make me feel that whatever happens i can do this. The good and the bad and the bad and the good. No one ever chooses horrible things to happen to them, of course they don't, but somehow it does - and when this occurs, it is the balance. To walk this balance.
It is not like i am i ignoring the bad stuff. I think ignoring things only leads to repression and acting out. But rather, i am saying, i choose to think about the fantastic things instead. The good things. The things which say thank you universe. Embrace me, wrap themselves around me.
It is is not half bad, the human condition.
I wonder though, if someone is leading a hellish life - if they are being abused, or completely destitute, or if they are going through a very serious illness, or suffered overwhelming loss - can they do this, would it be possible? To extricate yourself from the grip which such sorrow can have on you and say, no i refused to be broken. I choose the happy thoughts, the happy memories, even if it is looking out of a window to see the sky. Even if it is just that.
To say, i must, because i can.
Right it is 5 am and it is time to dry the clothes. And then i will get ready for Ballybay. But to give thanks to everything, for everything. I was not overjoyed or silly happy, but rather, very grateful, appreciative to life. On mornings like this one, where the air is clear and it is warm and the birds are singing, i think of Italy, i think of Rome specifically. Of the days of summer so many years ago i spent interrailing around Europe - the olive studded ciabatta, the proscuitto, the mechanical smell of diesel of the trains, the click-clack of the tracks.
Is it possible to live happily every after? I think so. We can live happily ever after every single day. But now i see that it is a choice. We choose to live happily every after, especially in our thoughts. It is the only place where we can choose to do that. The human condition.
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