On being happy

Today we drove to Newcastle - in the rain. And then we drove around the Mournes - in the rain. And then we drove back to Belfast - in the rain. It rained, a lot. The boys were of course bored, especially since they didn't have the iPad or Pod to entertain themselves as i believe children should be bored. Or beating the crap out of each other, the old fashioned way. My parents, being on the cusp of 70, were quiet and resigned to their fate of being dragged around South Down. It really isn't my style to drive for hours in the rain, but they had been cooped up in the house and between the Master leaderboard and trips to Tescos/Sainburys/Skinners, were slowly going mad. So i thought, what the heck, Newcastle, in the rain.

There was some good value. There was still lots of snow in the Mournes, which thrilled my father to no end. Despite it being gale force everything, he went down and took photos. Oisin clambered on some rather high and slippery snow drifts. Ghin and my mom stayed in the car and my mom mostly thought of all the things which could go wrong. My thought, ah well...life, eh?

We had a lovely dinner at the Golden Elephant. As everyone was hungry - except me, of course - my dad ordered about 13 dishes. The boys impressed my mom by having hale and hearty appetites, thus demonstrating my laissez faire attitude to food, as in please don't force feed the child, if they are hungry they will eat, has indeed worked.

Just before we got home, I had to ban Ghin from the Xbox on the account of simply DREADFUL and dangerous behaviour, despite having warned him several times. We were then treated to a full bodied version of high drama and tears. It was terrible, except for the fact that i know my son. My father was devastated and attempted to plead his case several times. Oisin too eventually said that he would join Ghin in the punishment. Of course i stood firm as i had warned him that he was cruisin for the bruisin several times....at home more remonstrations and recriminations. When at last he was in his pajamas and washed/cleaned, he said, all that crying was for nothing, sulkily. I looked at Oisin and he looked and me and my mom looked at the both of us and i went, yep, it didn't make a difference Ghin. I'm sorry mom, he said. I love you, he followed that with. And we hugged. So that was that.

I cuddled in bed with him and then was woken by a thought - a thought that i had had for sometime now, several times in the past. Happiness is a choice is it not? Could one face the adversities of life and be happy? I mean REALLY happy, not put on a mask happy. To bow one's head in acceptance and go, this is my path, as weird and unordained as it may seem. To walk the path with grace.

I spoke to Oisin today about hopes and dreams ending and how we could help each other to build new ones, because i needed to for him. The terrible pain of losing an old dream and then the terror and excitement of building a new one, especially if it is one which isn't of your own wanting or making. I'm afraid Oisin, i'm really scared. But together we can do this, i know we can. What choice do we have, i asked myself silently? None at all. I apologised to him. What else could i do? What do you do when you disappoint someone?

Happiness. First i thought, is happiness soooo important? I dunno you see. I think grace is far more important. I don't even know what happiness is anymore. Being free and laughing and giggling like a 16 year old? Well i ain't a 16 year old. I am 42. Something welling from beneath i think. Something calm and serene and beautiful. Something silent. Like the cool scent of stone and dignity in churches when they are emptied of people and only filled with light. I think that is what i'd like. To face life's adversities like that. Or pleasures even.

Steiner speaks about as people get older they do get wiser. And wisdom is knowledge which has been lived, knowledge that has been warmed through. However the body breaks down and if they do not look after themselves, all that wisdom is less apparent because they are unable to impart it. However, do not doubt that old age is the age of the wise.

I really like that. Somehow, that journey, with grace perhaps holds the answer. The pursuit of happiness. No, there is no need to persue it. Why, what is the point? It is here, always, ready. In a single moment, in less than a millisecond, it exists, when you call upon it. Whatever your circumstances.

A basket of happiness ready for your holding no matter i am and whatever i do - in it, hope, delight, serenity, grace, dignity, meaning, tenderness, contentment, beauty, truth and love - all you have to do is believe.