Falling in Reality

So by now it must be clear that i am - and do struggle - with a lot of the Steiner philosophy. Most especially, and recently, the creation of the cosmos, which has been hard going. I question everything, but this aspect, like some more 'spiritual' aspects are hard to question because questioning requires language and these aspects are, believe you me, beyond language. So there is only the wordlessness of our existence, ie intuition.

I have been reading and rereading and finally in an effort to both stay awake and make sense of what the heck is going on, i started taking notes. Joining the dots on the page so that at least i can understand the sequence, and what is being said, even if i'm going 'This is nuts'. I am keeping an open mind, because it is critical to practise this faculty, no matter how nuts you think something it, it then enables growth, possibility... even if a tiny bit of it survives to fertilise one's own present.

So after almost a week of doing this, we went for a walk in first Redburn Country Park, then Newcastle Beach, and it was really tremendous... things began to look highly interconnected, as if i could feel the connections taking place, even if i could not see them, or understand them. And not in the way that they used to connect. Previously it would be a very dreamy connection, but yesterday, the connection was awake. It was as if i was so connected that i could feel singing, i could feel music. But not like music music, but the feeling, the sensation of music. The feeling that you have when you hear a perfect piece depicting the sea or the sky... that feeling of music.

Then today as i was cleaning the bath, the phrase, Falling in Reality, came to my head. The trick in Life is not to fall into the dream, but to fall into reality, and then i sort of saw how much we live in the dream, the world of the Matrix. We see but don't really see, and all this work we have been doing is about really really seeing. Really understanding what we are looking at, really understanding and appreciating what we are doing. It is about waking up. Waking up from the pain and pleasure of being alive, waking up to the peace of reality, the enormity of this task, its extreme difficulty is striking. And i wonder where this will take me.

This of course is what i have extracted from it. Someone will extract something completely different... but this is my path.

The other thing that has also occured to me is that love is so amazing, so pure that it can blow apart the universe. It can blow a hole in the very fabric of existence and yet no one will or can see it. But it can and will. Love does this. Love gives you the courage to wake up. It makes this process much much easier.

I do not know what i should do with this either. But the word service then came into my head just there and then. Selfless service. And faith. And staying one's course, and being true to all of that.

To walk one's path but to selflessly serve, with faith and truth, and courage. Perhaps that is what falling in reality means. It feels as if i have been walking and walking in a long dark cave and finally i am emerging onto a beach, the vistas are infinite and wide and the sunlight is blinding. It is life the way it is supposed to be. The end of the beginning, and at this end, a beginning, the beginning of a new journey to come.

And i have no idea if this is right, or if it makes sense, indeed if i am ready for and capable of doing it.