No one ever takes pictures of the mother

So here's one of me! 2.18, 2 Jan 2009.

I think, where did all those days go to?

Those days between the 24th of Dec and the 4th of Jan...where did they go to? What happened to them? I know what happened to them. We spent them in peace. In doing family type things. In going to sales and the beach at Murlough. In watching the Polar Express and seeing friends. In cooking and cleaning and tickling the baby. In slumping on the sofa and going early to bed to wake at midnight and wish i had more energy, to thinking, it's ok, Things will sort themselves out.

And now planning. I think planning.

Every now and then i get the feeling that things are running away, like the decks of card in Alice in Wonderland. I feel as if they're going out of control. An unweeded patch of ground. A neglected bush. I need to start trying to plan my time, but life starts up and then...

Also this strange split has occurred in the way i write. I love this blog. I love writing it. But i also need to write in a proper diary because you do planning in a diary which you can't in a blog. And i also need to do some hard core planning and some actual carrying out of the things that i do plan. So even my systems of how to get things done are all higgledy piggledy at the present.

Sigh.

Perhaps i shouldn't think planning.

Yesterday, being the first day of the period, (technically, my period arrived on December 31st, 2008, how convinient was that?) I felt so incredibly blue. We watched Beautiful Mind, that film about John Nash, the hallucinating mathematician who invented the Nash Equilibrium which states that people are constantly second guessing each other (in its social application, ok i have been a bit fly about it), but what i really liked were the voices in his head. In many ways he was lucky. At least he could tell that these voices weren't real because they took the form of people. Most of us think that the voices are real because we think they are OUR voices - because they don't take the form of people. But really they are the voices of our mothers, fathers, best friends when we were 7, the PR guru who put that ad on the TV, the editor of the Independent. And we think that we're sane. Back to my period. I really really really had to stop myself from becoming depressed with nothing in particular. OK, there was something in particular, but it was nothing in hindsight. In hindsight, i must remember that everything passes.

And so i am rambling. There is a pile of shite for me to go through before i go back to work. Also, i need to think about how i can better use the study upstairs. Do we need another room in the house and what can we use it for. I must go into it once a week. If we turned it into something else, would we go into it more often? Do we need to. I suppose a guest room. We could turn it into a guest room. But a guest cum what kinda room?

What do we need? A TV room so that we're not stuck in front of the goggle box all day, as soon as we get in from work, while i'm cooking dinner?

Today we went to Murlough - a 6,000 year old dune system in South Down which fringes the Irish Sea. There were so many people there and we only saw a fragment of the place. I'm hoping that with time the boys - as in ALL the boys - will get used to and enjoy taking walks in and around Belfast. We spent such a short time there because Ghin was so cold and sleepy - more sleepy than cold it has to be said - but the little time there was, was lovely. Oisin and i got back before Peter and Ghin, but that's because Oisin remembered the way back. We all had a laugh about how Daddy got lost. We never managed to have lunch on the day back because every single restaurant we stopped at was full. But it didn't matter. By the time we hit Belfast i was happy enough to have yesterday's leftovers - the brown ale and beef stew i had cooked for the boys yesterday. And the unopened bottle of asti. And it was wonderful, seeing how i was so hungry.

Like i said, we had a great Christmas holiday.

I looked back at the blog entries from the two previous years and wonder if i should stop blogging. Like this. Writing - i'll continue putting photos up, but what happens to the writing. It's stored in the ether and one day will be lost. I'd like to find something, some place more permanent for it. My diaries are at least there, nothing, short of a fire will destory them while i'm alive.

Random thoughting...

Resolutions.

What were last year's? I can't even remember them.

Why bother...