First blog 2009

Mika stayed overnight.


Sir Stuffalot





Here we are, at the start of a New Year. I fell asleep at 11 and woke momentarily at midnight, said a bleary eyed Happy New Year to Peter and then fell asleep again. Ah the perils of being 38. It's a dull day which makes the possibility of going to an open space even more unlikely. I long to do a walk in some bit of greenery, but Peter has told me that it's waaaay too cold. We can wrap up, i long to say, but he has now agreed that we could perhaps go to Newcastle. Ah yes, lovely Newcastle, although since my seaweed bath there i have become a bit more partial to it.

Yesterday i wondered what love was, as i drove to Tescos. A Vivaldi piece was playing on Radio 3 and it was the 'piece that made him', according to the presenter (cos i dont think they have DJs on Radio 3). It has been cold, but still and dry, and the trees stood with their graceful branches, shorn of leaves and filled with truth. Their tops made feathery sweeps against the flat grey skies. Beneath them New Year's Eve traffic hummed in dreamtime. Lost we all are in this sleep of winter. I thought of the women, children and men who are dying on both sides in Gaza and Israel. What is love?

Beyond words. I thought of the mudra of no fear, the unclenched fist, or the open hand. That is love. And coincidentally through the day so many lessons came, thick and fast. You think you know love, here, what about this? When people are hurtful. When people behave in inexplicably neglectful ways. When people are rude and unkind. When people ignore you. So you think you know love. When friends betray you or are insincere. Or when hypocrisy is practised. You think you know love.

Practise now, practise the no fear gesture in your heart. And is that not always the way? It has been for me anyway. When i think i have known something, i am then made to learn it.




Ghin is now sitting on my lap taking photos and saying very good to his efforts. He was only a bump in me less than two years ago. Now he's talking, crying, making everything flow in the world around him. (I liked these photos - he was sitting and taking these and going That's Good! - the little fragile thing in me is now taking pictures where once he could barely lift his head.)

Is not life a miracle? We went to the Christian Community yesterday to celebrate the New Year. So many learnings. When a door shuts another opens.

In my golden walnut, i received a little saying - "What has past and what is to come, are tiny when compared to what is." And therein lies a paradox, but isn't truth always like that? Just when you think you know it, it uncoils itself and changes and in its change it is unchanging.

And that too is love.