February

February is going FAST. 

I have said many times to Ghin that I can only give him the support and the structure. The rest of it he has to do for himself. The fucking pandemic has made things very uncertain and massively disrrupted the lives of the children. In school, all I can do is give that stability to them. The rest has to be now done by Ghin and with Peter just swinging his dick around now for whatever reason - it is completely exhausting watching him try and be Father of the Year. I almost threw up a little bit in my mouth when he said there was a Steinbeck Festival - the man who never reads fiction. 

After Wednesday's insight about time and space, I realise that I have already done what I can and now it is entirely up to Ghin. And I know why I am more anxious about Ghin than Oisin - it is because I have NO IDEA what happens to Ghin when he leaves school - where ironically, I have the least amount of influence over him. THAT is why I am worried about him. 

THAT is why I am more conscientious about turning up for Parent-Teacher meetings because I don't know what is happening with him outside school.

My head is really quite fuzzy. I am very happy but also really full of stuff to be done. I did manage to clean up everything which was great and order new equipment. I will stop beating myself up about not doing enough when I do so much already.

But there you have it. I can't be bothered anymore. I have done what I can do. And if Peter wants to undermine me by thinking he can be a father of the year and throwing Ghin under the bus, then so be it. So be it. There isn't a lot more I can do about that.

Right. So this weekend loads of work to be done. I'll do that now... it has been so lovely with school really. So lovely with the children. Not sure what I'm gonna do today by way of drawing - maybe I'll do catkins on a tree... or crocuses on a lawn... spring is now here...