29.6.24 - Thus endth an era

Hey there very tired mummy

Ghin playing the piano for his last assembly

The Class of 2024... I'm not crying, you are crying.

So, I reach the end of yet another milestone. Excuse me while I try not to cry here. Both Ghin and Oisin are Steiner kids, born and bred. Both attended KG and then went on to complete their GCSEs here. Ghin had a short stint in Lagan which he didn't find suited him, and returned here.

And weridly I did not cry at the address, but I did cry at the little kids singing, because I remembered it when he was that little too. Through everything the three of us held each other tight and we made our way through the storms and now, the storms, they be over. This part of the journey anyway. My son, I made sure he was all grown up before he was ready for this world. And by that I mean, there exists in him the strong roots of the person whom he will go on to be,

I always said to the boys that I would do everything I could to ensure that I was quits with my conscience where they were concerned. And yesterday, a massive weight was lifted - everything I could have done I have now done...

It is now passed. A new phase begins, of course, but of course, this time, it will be more up to Ghin than myself.

And so the days sail, the days move past and we now come to where we are... here... 

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I felt awesome as well. Yesterday, I felt powerful. I have been on this no carb, or very little carb, thing for the past two weeks now and it has done me a power of good. Coupled with the no drinking, well... yesterday I was looking to have a drink but no one to drink with and I thought to myself, actually you know what, mid winter and mid summer. That's it. And also, I am NOT going to drink on my own. Why I did that I don't know. Well maybe I do know. But I don't need to anymore. It is over.

I feel so incredibly grateful for everything which has happened. My only wish for my sons was so that they would be good, strong, well-centred people. And this is what has come to pass. I think their North Stars have been thrown into the skies, and they have the wherewithal to follow that path.

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I've also had an incredible year with my class. What a class it has been. These kids have a rock solid foundation from which to continue to build all. Each and everyone of them. I am so lucky really. Just truly blessed you know. Everything which I have hoped for has come to pas for them. We worked so hard. And they performed the play so well. These kids, I am amazed by these kids. Next year Norse and ulster mythology, how mad is that - and Man and Animals, Fractions, Local Geography... and the list goes on. The world is slowly opening up to the children. And they are there, going on that voyage.

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It has also been a year of illness. I have never been so consistently ill. Plus the broken foot and my still sudden eruptions of eczema on my hands. And toes. It has been a nightmare to be perfect honest, health wise. But I am now in menopause and I have gotten my weight and general health under control. Running, stretching, exercising is returning... it's good. 

Mentally and spiritually, I have been learning Irish and that has dovetailed perfectly with my work with the goddess group. I don't know what the future brings, but I am hoping there will be more goddess and land in it. 

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Finally, this has also been a year of the gift of the What If? I had it when I visited Belfast Harbour reserve and then I had it again yesterday. The entire marriage with Peter is now far away enough so that I am no longer hurt by it, despite his total lack of consideration in the years that followed... but seriously, if he ever thought that he could ever upset me again, I discovered yesterday it was no longer possible. He turned up at the graduation, and I felt literally nothing. Not a single thing. For a split second. I thought, wouldn't it have been nice if we had gone out as a family to celebrate by eating, and also without a shadow of a doubt, I would have flown Oisin back to be with us on this day, but because of HIS behaviour over the past twenty-seven years, I suddenly remembered what it would have been like if he WAS there. If we were still together, he may not even have turned up for the family lunch and told us he was going for a meeting somewhere else, if he did he would have complained about how expensive it was, he would have sat there and looked miserable... so yes, that fantasy was truly a fantasy and then, at that moment, I was free from all those years. Looking at his face, close up, for the first time in the longest time, I understood, this was much better. I had now come to the end of this journey, which I had undertaken to the best of my ability and, he is now only starting out on another similarly long journey... right at the very start of it once more.

I love my sons, but not for all the tea in China will I ever do it again. I told Ghin that if someone said to me, you will know everything you know now about this journey and I will return you back to 30 years old to take it again, would you? I would say absolutely NOT. Ghin said, are you saying you would prefer not to have had us. I said, I am not saying that at all, I am saying that this journey can only be taken in innocence. I would never NOT do it again, but I would want to do it in perfect innocence. 

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I know this sounds so cold, but that's all I've got. Honesty. 

It's the only thing I know how to be.

There is no sun. Zero. Today, I will head to the club for a run and then a swim, and then I'll start cleaning out the Forest School stuff. Tomorrow and Monday I'll do my classroom.  Tuesday the house. Wednesday the garden. And the Thursday, we take off for Singapore. I can't QUITE believe it. Really, I CANNOT.

Soon I'll be back... my summer migration. I love summer here, but summer in Singapore... well...

To another amazing year. Thank you the universe for helping me.