#139.21 - And that was Saturday

Well that was Saturday. Saturday and I did some cleaning, did some Forest School, did some walking in the Forest. It was great. It is nice to be back out again. I'm sick and tired of the entire Covid thing. 

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And now it is Sunday.

Even now the moon has the ability to unsettle me. I can feel its argentine power gurgling in me like a hidden chamber lurking with mercurial lava. The last week, although I did not run I was not as tired. I felt much more settled - in time for half term to arrive and change the rhythms again. It is difficult with rhythms constantly shifting. But they are what they are.

I wrote in my journal this morning I think I will never have alcohol again. Never is such a final word, but there are two things which I fear. The first is that once I get back on it it becomes habitual and then diurnal. The second - the feeling of post alcohol. That lsuggish someone put sugar in my tank feeling - masking all the other exhaustions of the day. On top of everything I have to do, it is the quilted lead blanket of fumes and fogginess. And I know for a fact that the brain fog is directly related to it. I really don't see a day anytime soon of this - its - return.

The drop zone continues. If I continue this care of the body, I will almost certainly be back into most of my skins by the end of next month. Which is exactly four months since I started running and four and a half since I began Lent. I feel fitter and lighter and more agile and mobile than I have in years. I have literally turned the clock back ten if not fifteen years in the space of four months. I was far gone, but you could argue that perhaps I did have a good base to build all that on. Mentally and physically I have been running all my life and then drinking wise - it wasn't really part of my culture. Not really.

I suppose women who are fifteen years younger than I would have the ability to have chosen something else in their lives. Being athletic and fit happened in 2012. That galvanised the fitness movement. People began moving and some people stayed moving...

It has been a long road back to here. In Harapan 2011 I dropped everything through a combination of diarrhea and not eating. Then in 2013 I lost everything because I was temporarily depressed. Now I'm doing it the right way. Doing it gradually and looking after myself while I do it. Being fitter than I have been since 2003 - which is something really.

Perhaps the fittest I've been since my T&F days in RJC.

I went walking with Sarah Price yesterday. I was laughing with her about a conversation I had with someone about alternative lifestyles and he said to me, the CHILD, now people are trying something new - they are called intentional communities. I was just about to open my mouth to say something when I just thought, you know what I CANT BE BOTHERED. I really CANNOT.

So I just kept it shut. Does he honestly think that intentional communities are a new thing? FFS. But I just let it slide. Sometimes I cannot be bothered to talk to people nor argue with them. Even when they are so clearly wrong - except when it comes to someone called Boris Chan on the subject of Palestine. Honestly the apoplexy I feel around that. Anyone who takes the side of the Israelis needs to go away and read history, 

It is raining today which means Belvoir Forest Park is empty. So that will be nice.

Running there yesterday made me think of being 50.5 and how strange that felt. How these things meant nothing. I am so grateful that I have been able to lead this life. So grateful that I have given what I have given to my children. But also so angry that society never did anything to help me. 

Sarah said that her daughter was not interested in having children. Well, I think that's probably going to happen. Having children will be too hard and then people will end up not having children. Who knows right?

Why did we make it so hard for ourselves? Why? Human beings in general? It is insane really. 

OK time to go for that run. Made myself some real coffee this morning and it has done its job. I only have to hoover the house today, finish the laundry - tumble drying - and do the weekly shop. I'll ask G if she wants to come along. I have nicely settled into a community now. It is kinda wonderful really. I am so so happy. I must remember this moment forever - being this happy. My sons are well, I'm getting back my body and health, I'm enjoying my work and find it fulfilling, I draw using pastels everyday, I get to be in nature everyday. If I could have chosen another life for myself, I would not. Absolutely not. And as for not being in a relationship - I would far far FAR much rather not be in one than end up endlessly or every 50% compromising to be in one. Nope. Uh ah. I have done this for twenty years of my life, the next twenty years - which will take me to 70 - will be just about being happy with me. It is perfect. Tá sé foirfe.