#75.20 - Faked it till I made it

Pachamama by Hrana Janto

Today's learning: I also have this image of an older woman - the wise older woman - with her herbs and her love and her wisdom in contentment. In wisdom. This is the beginning of wisdom. I may have nothing to prove to the world, but I do have something to prove to myself. To go into old age in the way I have lived my own life - redefining it for myself. To be brave, have courage, to be never stop questioning. To hone my voice. This wonderful voice. To be that steady flame. I am who I am.

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Yesterday did not begin with much promise. I felt the usual blahness of existence and I was quite bored... not bored... pissed off with myself. However, as soon as I began doing the dishes around 9.30 am it happened. Ma called, I did the dishes, then all of the laundry - this took the entire day to be fair - but I did do it, all of the laundry and was glad to, then the hoovering and finally after the hoovering, I managed to do stuff. All kinds of stuff. I did class prep in the end and then finally got to bed around 10 pm. I am ludicrously sleepy now, but that doesn't matter. I am now going to keep at it until I am fully awake.

The hysteria around coronavirus does not seem to be abating. People have not reacted in a sensible way in this part of the world. There have been stockpiling, the usual overreaction. When people die they do not say if they are older or younger. One has to assume because Italy has so many old people the virus has really taken hold there.

The past year has been very interesting. As the rest of the world has been hysterical about everything from plastic, to money, to climate change, inequality and its effects, now the virus, I am baffled. How come, how come people are so upset. Also the solutions have presented themselves for a very long time now - there has just been no political will to fix it. And rather than do the hard thing and fix it, politicians have decided to collapse the systems. There is precious little point doing anything regarding politics. Perhaps this is the most depressing thing. That anything we have put in place to try and prevent and fix anything has been hijacked. Then stupid TV series like Killing Eve which receives so much adulation when it is just pure wank. I cannot CANNOT stand that kind of self indulgent art. It drives me insane. Do you think that we have the luxury of producing crap? No, we do not. I don't think people realise how close we are to the razor's edge. I suppose the virus is a symptom of this.

But I do not have a choice. Just like almost twenty years ago when I decided I cannot go backwards, I must go forwards. I must move towards being positive, being a better person. Always. I think that is the point of Lent. Like yesterday, like yesterday, when I just put one foot in front of the other. It seems like everything, but everything is falling apart. It is hard to know when it or indeed how it will be put together again and I am either part of the problem or part of the solution. It really is that simple.

The problem is manifold, but the solution is to have faith our purpose here and work towards it positively. As I wrote that, the work protest and fight flashed up in the corner of my mind. That is what I will have to do.

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Another thing which is manageable is my weight. I need to get that in order. Not eating is weirdly the easiest but also the hardest thing. Also eating the right thing is both. I must do both. I must look after myself even more now. I understand what this 'letting yourself go' means now. It has something to do with not caring. This was never an issue for me in the past - because my body sort of took care of itself. I never really paid any REAL attention to it. Now it is saying to me, looking, I am going to need more help. I AM going to need you to look after me. I have looked after you all these years, now you have to look after me. So, like last night, I brushed my hair. I never understood what the point was, but that was because my hair just sort of did its own thing and looked great. I never understood what a bad hair day was. Now I look in the mirror and I am appalled. So I must now brush my hair. I must put on moisturiser at night - in fact I have to do it daily, When I bathe now it is no longer an affectation, but a necessity, because my skin completely dries out. I desiccate. It is so weird. I must run - for the power washing of the brain. I must cultivate these good habits now because if I don't the amount of grief I am going to get in the next twenty years, possibly thirty, is going to be immense. And I can see this now. I understand this now. It isn't some kind of a pose or a waste of time. It is my body going, look after yourself. Look after me. Don't let yourself go girl.

I understand body, I understand. It is no longer a self indulgence. It is a necessity. And it isn't about attending massages or facials - it is about the everyday. The gratitude and care that comes from that gratitude. I don't know when I'm going to die, but I can at least make sure that over the next few decades my body is taken care of.

You know what? I think that is the final puzzle in my piece. The puzzle of the body. It is no longer me saying I must do this and that cos I want to. I have to do this and that because I must look after myself. The way I have looked after the boys - my body is birthing itself. I am now entering the time of myself. The next 20 - 30 years are about the harvest and taking care of the vehicle that delivers that harvest is vital.

I also had an image of Buddha in old age traveling around India, still traveling around India. He spent much of his old age disappointed and broken that his philosophy and insight had brought little peace to others. He may have well been poisoned. But I want to look beyond that. I want to look at the image of an old person who did what they had to do. Did as they must.

I also have this image of an older woman - the wise older woman - with her herbs and her love and her wisdom in contentment. In wisdom. This is the beginning of wisdom. I may have nothing to prove to the world, but I do have something to prove to myself. To go into old age in the way I have lived my own life - redefining it for myself. To be brave, have courage, to be never stop questioning. To hone my voice. This wonderful voice. To be that steady flame. I am who I am.

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I am keeping that in. Witness me bloodbag.
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But yesterday was good. I cannot believe how my life hinges on DAYS. One day at a time. I cannot remember the last time I lived like this. I can never take forgranted how I am going to feel when I get up in the morning. Am I going to feel great or just crap? It is ridiculous. And also, how long is this going to go on for? I am also now mostly responsible for the state of the house and looking after the boys. Yesterday Peter got home at 9.20 am and took Ghin out bowling. Oisin came home around noon time. I do lunches, I clean the house, I do the weekly shop. I basically do everything. Everything for the boys now. He just turns up whenever he feels like. He doesn't even wash his own dishes. Of course all of this is to provoke me. He knows what he is doing. To the outside world he is wonderful enlightened Peter. Here he has a pile of laundry which hasn't be dried for more than a month now.