Hormones

Megan Boyd's flies

Sometimes i wonder about my hormones. Like today, I woke up today feeling very odd. I felt odd because for the very first time in my life, i felt, what was the point? Like PROPERLY what was the point? On a SUNDAY!!! When the sky was blue and the sun was shining!! I had PLANS for today. I was going to clean the house. I was going to go for my run. I was going to go to school. I was going for a run. Instead, what did i do? I FBed and then i began to slide very slowly to the bottom of this mental hill where existential angst lives and i could only think, First World Problems. But i couldn't think FURTHER than First World Problems. Ostensibly nothing had changed from last night to this morning. I had spent a lovely evening with a friend watching this weird film about fly tying. Then we went home and i slept really well - dreaming as usual, nice dreams, happy dreams... and then i wake up and THIS.

So the boys came in, one after another and asked me if i was alright since, being in bed around 2 pm is very weird. I said, well i sorta feel manja. Oh there you go mom, they said, and clustered around me and showed me their parkour videos and told me how much they loved me. Then i felt better, wrote in my journal about the thing which had been niggling at me - and the thing which had been niggling at me was not writing in my journal on a regular basis. Like everyday. Writing the blog is not the same as writing my journal. So i felt better after that. I then got out of bed, made myself a cup of tea, did the dishes, made some chilli sauce - the galangal and chilli sauce and felt INSTANTLY much better. I was able to get the boys to do the recycling, do another load of laundry and tidy the room a bit more. Then i realised that i was probably going to end up in the blood moon soon and it was very odd, it was like i had passed over a speed bump, or rather i had gone over the crest of the hill and down the otherside. Weird.

The saddest thing was missing SUCH a gorgeous day, of course. But really, that's ok.

Now i am going to have a bath and have a very light dinner and then i am going to get ready for school tomorrow. It is good having this come and go. I think i may also write in my dairy again. Clearly this is a very important part of my routine and cannot be simply missed out. It is not an indulgence at all, but a necessity.

Thus the hormones have done their job. I was thinking as i did the laundry, you know sometimes talking yourself up is impossible because it takes so much of energy - this is where meditation comes in useful. It helps tide you over until the feelings pass and then, you realise all is well with the world, and then you get on with things, without having to make a huge song and dance about it. So sorry this beautiful sunshine, i would have loved to have been out in you, but it was more than i could manage.