Stop making sense

Listening to the Stop Making Sense concert on YouTube. oh You Tube what would i do without you?

I'm also reading new bits of Lao Tzu'sThe Way of Tao. Its the sort of book that you read and allow to percolate. I'm only hoping that i am young and old enough to put its teachings into practice. It's a practice that relies on discipline, self containment, contentment (to be truly happy while things rearrange themselves around you), and being alert. It is one of the most difficult things i've ever done. To be aware that i am practising an awakened kind of non-interference, and to be present for those who are present. It's not easy.

It seems that the world is in some sort of muddle. And the bits that aren't muddled are extremely precariously placed. This realisation arrived when someone asked me would i ever return to Singapore. I said, not Singapore, but that part of the world, maybe. But then i thought which part of that world would i return to? Everywhere is a mess. And then i thought, where else would i go to? Nowhere.

Northern Ireland seemed fine now, but its all living on an edge. Living in a world where fossil fuels are running out, where governments are run by greedy self-interested people, where people are still thinking in terms of a failed economic model, and by and large people have no respect for children, and therefore no respect for the future. So decisions will be driven by short-termism, not by the generous self-sacrifice which parents are supposed to make for their children.

It's really depressing.

And amongst all this, the wisdom of Lao Tzu is, don't do anything. And twenty years ago, i would have thought - yep, that's nuts. But now, i think, everything people do just makes things worse. From vaccinations to aid, they have made things worse, not better. All i can do, for those around me and myself, is to act with compassion and kindness and to do what is within my daily sphere of influence what's right by my conscience.

It will not be perfect, but it is the best that i ca do for now. Because, you know what, i no longer have the arrogance to think that i know better.

And this has sort of released me to think more about what i CAN do around me. And i've never felt more creative. I got a design and decorating book and i'm going to start redecorating the house to make it a place which i want to be in. Make it a beautiful, restful place, not just something thrown together. A source for inspiration and comfort and solace.

I've also learnt to live with the hurt and pain. The sadness, the overwhelming sadness. Instead of getting angry and upset - emotions that pain uses to shield itself - i feel the depth of the sadness and when it is very palpable, it slices right through me. My heart literally feels like it will break and i long to cry, but cannot. But i am living to live with this pain and the more i allow it in, the more i am able to feel it and paradoxically it seems to be wearing itself out. I am also feeling more courage to be myself. A liberty now to be myself, again.

It's funny, David Byrne is now singing Heaven. It makes heaven so anodyne. And it's true isn't it, life is not just about the sweet tastes...

Yesterday Oisin and i had just a wonderful time. We played chess in a cafe - where we played chess according to the rules of Class Three Hoylwood Steiner - the final extreme chess game was called last man standing, where you try and take as many pieces off as possible... David Byrne has a journal!!! Does this man's coolness have no boundaries? :-)

Extreme chess was totally fun. Then after we called into An Droacheaid, we returned to cardboard cities where there were two Steiner moms and we effectively took over the place. Stayed for another two hours, and then went for lunch at Little Wing. Then to Lara's for the Bahai lessons, followed by a BBQ. Jago then came back with us for a sleepover.

So, it was a day and a half. I really enjoyed it. I forgot the coffee than Ghin and i had in SD Bell's earlier in the day.

But it was a really wonderful day and it was so meaningful. Can we not live our lives so that we are looking after our children as well? Why is this not possible? I was with full time mothers and i have been a full time mother and that is also not ideal. I keep thinking that in the past, when communities did this, it was better. Much better. My child, our children. To be there, for everyone. And for everyone to take responsibility.