On the way home from Newtownards on the 12th of May

I'm sorry i don't have the photos yet, but when i do i will get them going... the trick is to not stop doing the blog, but the events of the past week have been amazing. We've all watched them, slightly open mouthed and then i certainly don't really know what to say. Is it grown up politics, or is it the end of the road? Have the ideas all petered out and this is now about the politics of pragmatism, or will the conflicts become pyrotechnic?

Most people don't really talk about it. Probably because we don't know what to say. If you listen to the political commentators, they are mostly saying they don't know what to think. It's more pure speculation than most political commentary. People are hoping, but not quite sure if their hope will be misplaced. But that's the thing about hope though isn't it? You've got to just do it and then see what happens.

The weather this past week has been nothing short of spectacular too. Sunshine, followed by hail, followed by low angry clouds over Cave Hill, followed by icy showers, followed by sunshine again. All in all it has been a really cold but bright start to the summer. At Balmoral Show today, a farmer said that the crops sown were doing well, but had a slow start. If the rain stays off, it will be good. But the rain has to stay off.

I've not blogged due to a combination of lassitude and not knowing what to say. Personal events have conspired to keep me on my toes. But my overriding attitude now is LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Life is too short to spend any energy at all on feeling miserable, negative, angry, etc. It's not my natural default place and people cannot, they simply cannot expect me to be kept there.

Because firstly, there are my sons. My beautiful, wonderful sons, with whom every moment is a blessing. And then there are my friends - my precious friends whom i have been so lucky to have. Then there is my family, who are the rock solid foundation which i've built my life on. So there really isn't anything to complain about. Everything else comes and goes, and if people want to inflict their unhappiness on me, then so be it.

The thing is that there will always be the CHOICE. I can choose to react to someone purposely being shit or being shit because they can't help it. Now everyone has bad days - sure i have them too, but sometimes people choose to inflict their misery on others. My own reaction to this used to be feeling hurt and upset, perhaps tipping over into misery myself. And i've noticed that in the past i used to want to 'get even' or 'make things better' despite the obvious fact that no one else wants it to be better. But i want to do neither any longer. The former because it is too poisonous and exhausting and the latter because i've discovered that i cannot make anything better if the other party isn't interested in making it better. And so the only thing i have control over is my own happiness, and it will be there no matter what. Because happiness is like pure gold; it cannot be tarnished, blemished or corroded. It will be there forever, it is eternal.

And it isn't grinning through the pain stuff either. No. I am now going, i choose to be happy. To love my sons, to be with my friends, to try and do the best i can with this world and with my conscience. I wish that others will be able to join in the wonderful adventure that is life, but if they can't then, it is their choice.

I suppose all i'm trying to do is take responsibility for myself. To take responsibility for my own happiness. To try and create that space for my own children.

The boys and i have spent a great week together. They are growing up so fast too. Ghin can now banter with us - and we spent the return trip from Linda's in peals of hooting laughter. Jago came along with us as well and it was tremendous. Life is about these memories. I remember myself that uncontrollable laughter which i shared with my family when i was growing up. Laughing at everything. Stupid things and painful things, silly things and serious things. Laughter was at the core of our lives. And as i drove and joked with the boys, i saw the sunlight slant low and sweet through the windscreen, lighting up their faces. I just hoped they would remember this. This madness in a safe space, to know that they are held and cherished. To remember that wherever they go in life, we will always we there for them. That the world is a place they can put their trust in.

On reaching home, i was exhausted. And the kids had begun to settle too. It's kinda crazy isn't it? This life we lead? One day passes and the next comes into view, and before we know it, its gone, gone without us even noticing. And that's what makes me think - CHOOSE. Choose wisely. Choose well. And whatever happens choose happiness.