Equinox

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It was so hot yesterday. Beneath the celebrations for the mooncakes festival, i coulnd't but feel the jadedness, the exhaustion of Singapore. Keep it simple. It's when it's simple that it's best. It was beautiful. The noise, the colours, the layer upon layer of activity. But there was something tired, something a bit fed up and dog eared. Something that couldn't sustain itself that went quiet, wound down inside me. And inside so many others too. this cannot, it cannot be the sum of life. Eating, walking, shopping. It can't. When we have this, we realise we need more. But then, how do we get more. Leaders! the PAP intones from it's podium. We need more leaders. But how can you get more leaders if you're insisting that all people do is follow? I have seen it time and time again. The spark that lights the flame is quashed continuously in the children here. Instead of an openess and trust that is borne of love and consideration, we have arrogance and smart alecism. Innocence does not live long in Singapore - but naivete stays. A childish tantrumism replaces coherent arguments.

Democracy, the way it has been practised in the West, is a sham. I know that. It isn't sooo bad where we are. But that does not mean you throw the baby out with the bathwater. We had bigger hopes, greater dreams, i remember when we were teenagers. And not just for a more participative society, but for a better mix of the races as well. Somewhere in the mid 80s things were possible - more mobile. Now the four races are entrenched. Each in their own cubby holes, barely communicating with each other. A good example of this is my cousins wedding today. Not a single non-Chinese person. How could this have happened?

At the same time i don't feel ready to return to NI. I don't know how i will feel when i touch down in the UK. I feel stuck. I feel afraid. I fear the cold and the long winter that is setting in. I can't bear the thought of having to haggle with Aidan about the working hours. He has put into play the same stupid mindgames he always has been great at. I'm rising above it though. I'm rising above him and his baggage. I can't believe that after all this time and help he has received he still hasn't changed.

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