22.6.26 - 165 - -54: Small lives

I live a small life. I know that. In fact, I purposely chose that. I had a chance at the life of materialism and playing a part in the madding destruction of the planet and I chose not to contribute to that. I chose the small quiet life. Of chalk and soil and forests and children and teaching and my family and writing and modesty. That is what I chose. The small life.

My sons, they have other ideas, of course they do. I am only happy that finally we are all together again. That we are all spending what could be the last few moment of being together for any extended period of time. The next time this happens MAY BE next summer. But we have this summer and I am grateful. Forever grateful.

When your child is ill, it is the absolutely worst thing. As you sit beside them and nurse them back and will them back to health, you wish that you could take the illness, the suffering for them. It's the same thing when you see them go through hell. Some hell is just part of life. Like when you have to learn lessons which are useful. Developing discipline. Trying your best. Putting your shoulder into it. Sustaining yourself through failure.

But some hell is just infuriating. When someone hurts your child and even worse tortures them, gets a thrill from torturing them, gaslights them - and your child believes that this is just about hanging in there and things will get better, then - fuck that. Fuck that. 

As Blake says, suffering brings forth.

Lessons all round. Lesson for you and you and you. Santa Learning comes bearing gifts.

Why have I not blogged here the past week.

Well, the good news is, I guess, I did run and do one swim last week. Otherwise it has been Mendaki all the way. It was too much information and the classes could have been smaller. But the kids, like all kids on the entire planet, were delightful. They were funny and lively and silly and quick. They were wonderful. 

Children are wonderful. They are the future longing for itself, as Rumi said. We should give them a chance to create the future, not burden them with the past. Or at least make the past a foundation from which they can grow and tread on, not a tomb which encases them, which is what we tend to do. 

Well, what else? So today I will do the filing and all the admin which I need to do. I'll settle any outstanding bills. I'll go for my run later, followed by the swim.

It has been a tough old end to the last week. But looking forward... oh I just also wanted to say, it was very difficult not to be discouraged as I looked in the mirror at the gym and saw a slightly less fat, but still quite fat, person stretching in front of me. I had to shake the image and say to myself, I'm only half way there. I did have a patchy running/swimming week this week, but that's also ok, because it's all about resting as well. I did sleep loads this week.

Buuuuut, take heart, it has been going well. I do feel so much better.

Right.

Let me see.

Today organise and pay all outstanding bills, take a look at the North Star and don't beat myself up.

I just know that I have always done my best and I am entitled to some rest.

That is the most important thing.

Just do one thing at a time. That's all we need, eh?