21.10.25 - 298 - Mornings

Received a call from my sister this morning about my dad. Pa had fallen down and is now in hospital. They are checking him. Making sure he is alright.

Ma was distraught, of course, and I spoke to her and soothed her. She said she regretted not telling him she loved him and I said that he knew that she loved him. My parents were so lucky - they found such a deep love in this lifetime. Many people don't even get that. The partnership was total. Which is more than I can say for the asshole which I married. Right now he hasn't signed the agreement he agreed to. He is a total waste of space. Someone said to me that he didn't have an abundance mindset. Everything he perceives is total lack. 

Imagine making up your mind, making decisions with this lack. No wonder I could never get past it. It was injurious being in his presence. The longer you were there, the worse it became. The more you tried, the less it would matter. This man taught me that there must always be limits to your accommodation. There are some people in this world where nothing you ever did would be good enough. You can bend over backwards, break your back, and it will never be enough. So, he taught me that I always needed to have boundaries. And I would not go over them for any reason. Because no matter what you became, you would never have satisfied these people.

So I learnt. I learnt that for some people nothing you ever do will never be enough. Nothing.

I am now listening to a serialised reading of Entitled... it's an unauthorised biography of Andrew and Sarah. It is just nauseating... so nauseating... how people can be so blinded by birth and status I don't understand. Now he is persona non gratia. I so glad that he has been called out with his behaviour. People will just put up with anything.

I kinda wonder where it started - when it started. And if I am to be honest, it started right at the beginning. One day I will tell the story of how I ended up marrying this man despite my better judgement and I would only have myself to blame. However... I have two beautiful sons - and I used to wonder how can people hate each other but still love their children? And I now have my answer. The children are not their parents. I do remember thinking to myself, I see my children in him. But unfortunately, that was kind of all I did see in the end. In the end, and I am not embarrassed to say this, I did give it my all. I gave 2000% and it didn't work out. I operate on the basis that one should not leave with questions unanswered. In this relationship, and in most of my life, there is no question I asked which went unanswered.

I am now just sailing free.