16.11.24 - Sigh

This last two weeks has been both amazing and crushing. In all the ways. I was having the best month with writing and the school and all... I was writing everyday with one short story a day with 20 stories now which are amazing.

The new moon group has been going great and the teaching has been going fab. And of course my maxim which is enjoy the work because one day it will go to shite.

It hasn't quite gone to shite yet, but I have been asked to do something which is really not ideal. And I am really unhappy about this.

Since Thursday night i've been trying to get a grip and it hasn't been easy, plus I've lost my phone. It has been mostly shite. I seem to have lost a purchase of my life and it feels like everything is really awful.

But of course it isn't really awful. Also everything just feels like it is just mounting in all directions. Nothing serious, but still, it's just day to day nonsense which is just adulting shite. I'm so so so like... what - so I have been writing till Wednesday. That since the 12th which is like Tuesday - so like 4 days of no writing. Which I have missed but I am very very tired.

So I thought the break was going to be a couple of days... but it's now been 5 days...

I've also felt like fuuuuuck... I'm just so tired... so exhausted. And nothing ever feels like I will ever be reenchanted with life. Which is also a load of bollocks. That will not happen. I'm just being very very dramatic.

But I am very tired and I just cannot do it. It's too too much. It's a nightmare. And there are not many teachers or human beings which have done what I've done. I just to say that. Teaching a complete cycle and then teaching a combined class. And then having being an amazing teacher for the new class.

I'm watching the last episode of Westworld which is truly a tedious pretentious piece of tv, Why do all Utopias end up in total chaos and breakdown? Is this where our planet is headed?

The US elections has meant that Trump has been elected. I'm hoping that if nothing else, it will bring some kind of hiatus in war as people like Elon Musk and the tech bros who don't want war and do what they have promised in Silicon Valley - to change the world. Make the world a better place.

I mean it's kind of a cliche, and I don't really believe them, but sore, what can we do. This is the hand we have been dealt with and this is the game we are playing now.

Except, of course, it is not a game... last week I went for a walk with Oisin at St John's Point and it was very very beautiful. 

Coming home we had something to eat and Oisin and I just hung out here. Sleep is a huge priority for me when I'm not doing anything else. 

But I guess, maybe I've had a bit of s sit and a think and maybe, its time to start moving again. Running again. Doing stuff again.

Getting back into thinking again. And I don't know where the future is going to take me once more. But my writing will be in the middle at the midst of it all. So there's that. I just need to start to piece my life together again. It has just been good you know, the last couple of years, having a great time teaching and being a great teacher.

Doing good, being good at what I am doing. It has been real right?

It's a truly beautiful day out and for some reason I just couldn't leave the house. Instead I stayed home and watch rubbish TV. I will let myself take the break. It's important I manage to do that at least. So much of writing has taken place over the last few days.

The other day I was reading the Lowenskald ring or something it was pretty cook reading it as if I was an equal to the person. I knew exactly how she put the story together. These things are no longer mysteries. For me, it is sitting down, being isnpired, and then writing. When I write I am in a place of bliss. If you wait long enough, when you write through the pain, the story comes and it takes shape and then it ends. Because of the way I work, it is short stories for now. The last one was the start of Atlantis. It wasn't great, but it was something. Demeter... there are another 14 days to the 1st of December.